


Mystery Fungeon

by PatterCake



Category: Adventure Time, Lemongrab - Fandom
Genre: Adventure, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, Multichapter, and there are similarly some mentions of lg self harming via starving himself in the last chapter, ask to add tags if there's something I missed., friend fic, lemongrab centric with occasional glimpses into the other characters' minds, lots of jokes I hope are at worthy, multiple characters, not ship, platonic, some cws: there are some mentions of Lemongrab's suicide attempt in The Mountain, what happened between lg1 and 2 though there's nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:24:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21682846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatterCake/pseuds/PatterCake
Summary: Lemongrab, Treetrunks, The Ice King, NEPTR and Shelby find themselves in the dungeon again and they must over come its many challenges and dangers together if they are to escape.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), but lots of platonic
Comments: 20
Kudos: 14
Collections: lemongrab fics





	1. Monster Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes wake up and overcome the first challenge of the dungeon.

"Shelby!"

There was no response, so Treetrunks tentatively touched him with her trunk again. "Mr. Shelby please wake up we're umm... in the... in the dungeon again."

They really were. Dark yellow walls surrounded them, scribbled with ancient symbols and cracked by age. A little bug crawled out of one of the cracks and buzzed down to orbit Lemongrab's head. Or what looked like Lemongrab. He was standing in the shadows so only a black shape was visible, and she saw the whites of his eyes shift as his slitted pupils followed the fly. The fly continued to buzz around him till he expertly snapped his jaws open, catching it in his sharp teeth. Chewing.

"Yeesh..." said Shelby, now fully awake, "he gives me the creeps."

"Oh hush now Shelby!" Treetrunks scolded, remembering that Lemongrab had been nice if slightly obnoxious, but still nice the last time she met him, "Be nice to Mister Lemoncrab! Maybe he has nothing else to give us..."

But still. So he was also here... Treetrunks got an odd feeling about this and looked around expectantly. Sure enough, lying on the floor a few feet away was a pathetic blue heap of a wizard. He must have crashlanded into the floor because he was propped up on his head. His butt sticking out, and his robe riding up, showing everyone his slime princess embroidered underwear. NEPTR - also no surprise - was softly stroking his beard.

Treetrunks harrumphed "The slice king again... what a nobbin in the bobbin! I am of course against the law en-enforcement but... even I would call the guards on that pile of fruit." She worriedly thought back to Sweet Pea, who she needed to collect from school as Mr Pig was visiting his long lost warthog cousins in the forest for a few days.

She checked her watch. She had 2 hours before sweet pea finished school, and if she wasn't there to pick him up, he might start crying and be traumatised. And he might turn into the lich.

She decided to get the ball rolling.

"Hey excuse me mister slice king stop snoozing your kaboozie off on the floor and and explain why you've kidnapped us and brought us to this awful place." She said as assertively as an adorable old elephant can while looming over his snoring head

"Hnnggghhh no... No more lemons it's... Unacceptable... The ice king muttered in his sleep, "No! No put down the rock. Ah!" Treetrunks kicked him and he sat up, awake. "Oh hey Treetrunks how's it going, you divorced your man to marry me yet?"

"I am loyal to Mr. Pig." 

"Too bad." The ice king pushed NEPTR away with his foot and looked around him "hey where even are we?"

"Really now!" Treetrunks scowled, "how rude! You've kidnapped us again and brought us to this... nasty, nasty place and you don't even remember?"

The Ice King curiously touched his forehead. "I did?"

"Well duh who else would have?" Shelby said in a frustrated falsetto.

"I guess there isn't anyone else who kidnaps people..." The Ice King admitted, "dang... Well, when you have an old fried wizard brain like me I guess sometimes you just forget things haha... Soz guys..."

Lemongrab breathed a sigh of relief. They didn't suspect him. He nervously cleared his throat and stepped into the light.

He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt printed with pineapples which was dripping with a thin layer of grey paint, and had a note saying "normal person" pinned to it. His jeans (also grey painted) were a size too big and you could see two yellow crocs poking out from under their wet, drooping trouser ends. He completed the look by reaching into his mouth, into his stomach which still couldn't digest most things properly and therefore doubled as a storage place, and pulling out some sunglasses.

"Wow he looks a mess." The ice king stated.

"Be nice!" Chastised Treetrunks, "and anyway, says who? Mr unwashed slime princess underwear?"

That shut him up.

Lemongrab tried to put the sunglasses on but his lack of ears meant they fell to the floor and shattered.

"Nnngg... difficult..." he muttered, and turned his attention back to the others, "Greetings... My little... Hmmmm..." Lemongrab looked at the writing on his hand, "dudes... Dude... People... Yes..."

"Hello, Mister Lemoncrab." Treetrunks said.

"My name is Lemongrab the third... Duuuudeeeeeee..."

"Excuse me I am a woman and will be addressed as such, Mister Lemongrad." She pointed at him with her trunk for emphasis.

He nodded. "I seeee..." He coughed up a pen and amended his hand notes. Dude- general term of affection. Noun. Strictly male. "Sorry... Woman dude..."

Treetrunks turned to face the others.

"Now NEPTR, Shelby, Lemongrab and..." she gestured vaguely and disapprovingly at the Ice King with her trunk, "You... We need to get out of this dungeon faster than a burning pie needs to get out of the oven... Does anyone remember the way out?

Everyone looked at Lemongrab expectantly. 

"Whomst... me?" He asked innocently.

"Yeah... you have that... savant memory thing, get us out!" Shelby demanded.

Lemongrab stepped forwards tentatively, trying to smile nicely, barring his glinting fangs.

"Now now, Shelby, buddy, mine dude, what is the rush..." he checked his hand notes again, "...yo... we have not seen each other in many years...why do we not...catch up? How have...all my dudes been doing?"

"Well my girlfriend broke up with me after I got her the wrong kind of pony." said Shelby, "Thanks for making me think about it again!"

"Oh I am..." Lemongrab frowned in concern, "so sorryyy tooo hear that."

He tried to think of something comforting to say (friends comfort one another do they not?) But was interrupted.

"I started rapping!" NEPTR announced, driving round in circles, "I'm not very good yet but it's really fun!"

"Ah yes... rapping... you mean like the Raven from the Poe poem?" Lemongrab asked, squatting down with his hands on his knees to be nearer the robot, "rapping on chamber doors? Is that what you do now? Rap on chamber doors?"

"No not really..." NEPTR pulled up in front of him, "I make rap music."

"Rap... music..." He said it carefully, like a foreign word, "so you... rap on doors and that is your instrument?

"No it's more like... poetry with like an... upbeat tempo... it's a lot of fun..."

Lemongrab smiled down at him.

"I see well... I am glad you are enjoying yourself, little NEPTR."

Shelby rolled his eyes and noticed the changing walls flashing with lines and circles. Symbols vanishing to a red glow that melted into the stone. That couldn't be good.

"Hey uh guys-"

He tried to get their attention but NEPTR wasn't listening, just staring up at Lemongrab in surprise. "You remember my name..."

"Yes I remember you..." Lemongrab cocked his head, "You are theee little one that makes pies. You were always... always scuttling around theee tree house."

"Hey guys!"

"Oh yeah." NEPTR drove back and forth absent-mindedly, "Like back when you came over and you cried for ages and Jake drew a lady's face on your head and-"

"We do NOT talk about that!" Lemongrab said hurriedly.

"GUYS!"

The walls started closing in on them with a hissing sound. They all stepped back into a huddle with Lemongrab at the centre

"It seems we don't have time for this chitchat-" TreeTrunks said, backing up further, "where's the exit!"

"Right here," Lemongrab opened one of the side doors on a rapidly approaching wall, "But Ice King, you with your ice magic should go first."

"Okay. Why me though?"

"You... shall see..." Lemongrab shoved him and picked up the rest of them to jump in after.

The door snapped shut behind them as they narrowly escaped, with the single beam of light that had been shining from behind them vanishing.

They fell into the darkness. Unseen, something rose to meet them.

With a few flaps of his beard the ice king came up to Lemongrab's level. "So yeah why did I have to go first? Asking for a friend..."

He was cut off by a low growl emanating from underneath them, the air became hot as the dungeon keeper opened it's mouth, saliva dripping off it's huge teeth.

Lemongrab tucked Treetrunks under his other arm and pointed. "So you can fight that."

"What?" The ice king turned to see what he was pointing at, "Oh!"

The ice king screamed and flapped his beard to get away from the monster.

"NO YOU SIMPLETON!" lemongrab tugged on his shirt collar so his horrific shirt transformed into a equally horrifying pineapple patterned parachute, "YOUR MAGIC! FREEEEEEZE IIIIIT!"

"Oh yeah! I forgot about that!" The Ice King made some finger guns and shot two large ice lightning bolts at its face. His bolts broke apart to coat the creature's head in ice, and the sudden weight made it crash to the wet floor of its containment. It writhed and was still.

Lemongrab neatly landed and placed his companions on the wet floor beside the creature's body. Shelby carefully crawled towards it for a closer look.

"Dude I think you straight up killed it." He said.

"It was going tooo kill us." Lemongrab said, "besides," he pointed at the white bones floating in the water covering the floor, "look at what a murderer it was."

His hawaiian parachute fluttered down into the water behind them.

"Oh pips...." Lemongrab muttered, picking up the soiled fabric and dropping it again, "it is ruined... my crocs hnnnnngh they fell off toooo... but mayhaps this is for the best, my normalcy facade was not workiiing...hmm..." He took the jeans off and stood in his regular grey uniform staring out at the darkness, looking thoughtful.

"Do you reckon he always wears that?" Shelby asked TreeTrunks. 

"It's a free country he can... wear what he wants..." said TreeTrunks, deciding not to insult the person who'd just saved her life, regardless of how many layers he decided to wear, "Be polite." 

"I'm just saying!" Shelby raised his voice, "Someone should you know... work on his fashion sense."

Lemongrab snapped out of his daze "Are yooouu talking... about meeee...?" That was pretty confusing. He turned away and secretly fished "making friends for dummies" out of his stomach to double check the chapter on fashion, and then stashed it away again. 

"Yes Shelby was saying he thinks your black uniform suited you much better, Mister Lemoncrab- I mean Lemongrab." TreeTrunks covered for him hurriedly, "But your grey um... uniform is quite fetching."

"I... wear only grey now." He said quietly, and lowered his eyes to stare at the water. 

Meanwhile the Ice King was rooting among the bones just in case there was a princess hiding in them, ignoring the pleas of his robot son for him to pay attention to him. He scratched something and, when he heaved all the bones out of the way, uncovered a door. 

"Hey guys I found the way out!"

"Great!" Shelby said ecstatically, "Let's go!"

Everyone excitedly crowded around him, staring down at the trap door. Except for Lemongrab, who took a moment longer to gaze sadly at his reflection in the black glossy water before going to join them.

"Oh Poppy..." NEPTR said to the Ice King, "You're so smart..."

"You really think that BMO?" the Ice King asked hopefully.

NEPTR stopped in his tracks.

"I'm- I'm NEPTR... I make pies... Don't you remember... I- you created me."

Created? At the sound of that Lemongrab's eyes widened and his pupils turned to slits. 

"Oh really?" The Ice King frowned, "Yeah I don't remember that."

Lemongrab crouched to be on the same level as the robot and hissed to him:

"NEPTR do you mean to imply that thiiiiis... blue figure is your supreme creator and mother?"

"He's my daddy!" NEPTR said proudly.

The Wizard folded his arms and looked confused. "Yeah I don't remember that..." 

"But you made me!"NEPTR pleaded.

"You're... his glob." Lemongrab said in disbelief and straightened up to his full two metres of height. 

Ice King stepped back, intimidated. "Yeah but like I don't even remember it or anything. How do I know you're not lying to get child support anyhoo?" Lemongrab narrowed his eyes and hissed quietly. The Ice King, not noticing that, put his hands on his hips and jabbed a finger at NEPTR, "And anyway, if I did make you I'd make a better robot!" 

Lemongrab couldn't take it anymore. He advanced towards the wizard with his hands twitching, hissing. Shelby saw that something was about to go down and quickly slithered under Treetrunks for cover. 

"How dare you..." Lemongrab stared down at the frightened wizard, "Yoouu made him... you're his glob! How dare you spurn your creation and son... Curses be upon your head that would reject its child..." He reached behind him to grab NEPTR and shove him in the Ice King's face, "You're supposed to love your creation! You are supposed TO LOVE HIIIM!"

"Yeah poppy..." NEPTR said crossly, "What gives..."

"Okay okay I'm... I'm just joking guys!" The Ice King said quickly, "I love my little robot son mwah mwah..." he planted a kiss on his son's can, "I'm setting him up a college go-fund-me as I speak."

"I seeee..." Lemongrab placed NEPTR back on the floor and stepped back, rubbing his hands over each other anxiously as he muttered, "Please dooo forgive my... unacceptable outburst... I am very... Sensitive about these things..."

"You got like Daddy issues or something?" asked the Ice King.

"...Something..." Lemongrab glanced back down at his reflection, wobbling in the water by the waves he'd created by moving. Changing and unsure of its shape. Of its self. 

"So are you guys gonna open the freaking door or what?" Shelby asked from under Treetrunks.

The Ice King made a crow bar out of ice and heaved open the trapdoor. He went first, followed by NEPTR, Shelby and Treetrunks, who Lemongrab carefully lowered into the darkness. He jumped down after them, and the wooden door creaked shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment as I worked hard on this!  
I wrote this alongside a larger, more intense and elaborate lg fic that is currently in the planning stages so I don't know when I will next be able to update this, but I will try to have the second chapter up by the 20th of December.


	2. Hall of Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang go into the next room where an introspective and melancholy experience awaits them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ice King is referencing one of the advtime comics where finn and jake draw a face on the back of lg1's head and the ice king kisses it thinking it's a princess after lg1 falls asleep. Yeah I don't know how to feel either...  
ALSO... there is an ever so slight... lumpygrab reference... in this chapter bcos you know what I'm like.

"Hurry it up Treetrunks!" Shelby complained from his seat on her head.

"I will not! Don't criticise my running Shelby!"" Treetrunks hobbled along on three legs, holding the other leg out as she tried to get a glimpse of her watch in the torch fires they briefly passed. 

The torches had been slowly changing colour from regular orange to a foreboding green, the stones were getting smaller and older, and there was a weird smell in the air, not like she remembered.

Treetrunks didn't have a very good sense of direction, she had to admit, but even she had a strange feeling about this. Just where were they going?

They walked under another unnaturally green fire and Tree Trunks could see her watch under the glare of the flames. Oh dear.

"Um excuse me sirs but... perhaps we can hurry along, my little boy is waiting for me."

Lemongrab, who was leading them, rotated his head 180 degrees to look at her fully while still walking forwards. "Little chiiiiild? A small trunks?"

"Yes his name is Sweet P and he's an angelic little boy." She explained, "So quiet and sweet - but very large... he breaks the walls everyday and I keep telling him to use the door and he says that he tries but it's just too small and he's a growing boy... what can he do the poor thing."

Lemongrab imagined a gigantic elephant rampaging through her house. "Hmmm...have you tried aaaa detachable wall...?"

"No we haven't. Me and Mr Pig don't quite have the budget."

lemongrab beamed. "I know someone who shalt build it for you for freeee!"

"You do?" asked Treetrunks in surprise. "Who?"

Lemongrab turned on his heel to twist his body around, so he could face the same way as his head. He jogged backwards and pointed at his chest grinning "I Lemongrab!"

"That's incredibly kind of you Mr Lemongrab sir. Why how ever will I repay you?"

Lemongrab turned back to look where he was going and frowned. Was she deaf? He'd just said he'd do it free of charge. Well she was old and many things fade with old age. "I will perform theee fixing duty freeee of charge for you... and your familyyy."

"Yes but I wouldn't feel right not doing anything for you in return. How about I make you a pie. You enjoyed my pie last time I remember?"

"I did?" Lemongrab said in surprise. "I do not remember the consumption of any pies by myyy lemon lips..."

"You ate it out of a rat's face." Shelby stated.

Lemongrab closed his eyes and cringed. "That was my... um... that was aaa... long time ago."

"A long time ago huh..." said Ice King, who was gliding behind Lemongrab on his beard "you know I had a lot of things happen to me back then too... I met and kidnapped lots of princesses..." He fell into a daze, thinking about all those princesses when he suddenly realised, "Oh yeah lemongrab! Where's your hot sister the Lemon princess? Is she single?"

"I do not have aaaa sister." Lemongrab replied, "Except for Goliad but she iiis unnnlemon."

"Then who was that hottie I made out with? I have fond memories of that night... she was such a good listener." The Ice King said dreamily.

Lemongrab looked uncomfortable and took a step away from him "That was aaa face Finn and Jake drew on theee... back of myyy head in pen that yoouu mistook for aaa... um.... woman... after I had... no... no. Not me... but..." He mumbled something to himself and frowned, as if an invisible tug of war was happening within him, and two sides were fighting for dominance, "After myy... former self had fallen asleep. Pleeaaase do not approach meee... similarly. I will not hesitate to break Ice kingdom candy kingdom treeatiiies and kill you."

"But..." The Ice King sniffled at this rejection, "but what about the cute photo she sent me?"

Lemongrab took another step away from him to be on the safe side before calmly replying:

"What photograph pray tell?"

Ice king fished a picture out of his underwear. "This."

Lemongrab leaned back so he could see the picture, as he was far sighted and had left his regular glasses at home. "This is aaa..." he squinted, "crayon drawing of my head with a face drawn on it... with... toooo myyy king written on it in black ink. That is NOT my handwriting. A very, veryyy poor... imitation. I command No! No I.... request... politely.... That you throw this away and never show it to me again."

"She was ugly anyway." Said the ice king and threw it on the floor, forgetting about it instantly.

"I don't think that's the moral you're meant to take from this Ice King!" Shelby called from behind them.

"There's a moral here?" The Ice King said, bewildered, "I don't get it you into wizards or not?"

"I do not have any sort of romantic feelings fooor wizards." Lemongrab replied, "So the answer is: not."

"Well who are you into then? Don't answer that no one wants to know but me I like princesses-"

"Do you like me?" NEPTR asked and was ignored.

"-Princesses that can get married and live in my ice cages forever and do my washing and compliment my yoga positions and-"

Lemongrab hmmed as he thought about that. Who did he like? What was he... into? He'd never thought about that. He didn't think it was allowed....

"I have never considered myself capable of such feelings..." he admitted, "I am certain mother did not... intend for meee to court anyone. And that she would disapprove if I did. After allll she said to myyy freshly made self I was built to beee a lone lemon, and she made me physically incapable of having children with another when sheee erased the formula... as myyy glob her will is absolute. But even so, sometimes... at the political summit out of the corner of mine eye...The yellow princess and the purple cloud... such captivating creatures... And so forbidden to me, the experiment, the outsider. Unacceptable desires. If mother knew she would be so disappointed... Yet Iii-I am wrong in many ways. I admit. Perhaps this is another one of them... I dooo...I do... also quite like..." he coughed awkwardly and touched the back of his head, "p-princesses..."

A tear of joy slid out of Ice king's left eye. "I see you too are a man of culture."

"Well I like baseball! Do you like baseball mister Lemongrab?" interrupted NEPTR in his chirpy robotic voice.

"Base...ball? I am... Un...familiar..."

"I keep asking BMO to play with me but he says he's too cool to hang out with me... BMO can be mean to me sometimes..." NEPTR said sadly.

"Ah... This is theee... Other robot?" Lemongrab asked, ducking as they passed under another ominously glowing torch. The passageway was getting smaller. 

"Yeah BMO's also a robot." NEPTR explained.

"So you have also had your own kind turn on yoouu..." He touched the top of NEPTR's can head sympathetically, "poor sweet darling little thiiiing... If heee tries tooo eat you... Run. You can stay in my castle... Yoouu will beee safe there... I shall make sure of that."

"Oh wow we're gonna have a SLEEP OVER! Mathmatical! I'll steal one of Finn's Pg 13 movies!" NEPTR drove round in a happy circle while Lemongrab laughed at him.

"You are full of energy and innocence, little metal boooyyy...."

The Ice King saw something in the darkness up ahead and flew ahead of them on his beard. 

"Hey guys!" He yelled back at them, "I think this is our door!"

Treetrunks ran to it as fast as she could, nearly tripping up Lemongrab as he dragged his feet towards it.

"So it is..." she panted. 

"Hmmmm... yeeeesss..." Lemongrab muttered behind her, "but mayhaps it isss not our door? Perhaps we should walk further?"

"Well I mean... he's the map guy." Shelby said. 

Treetrunks got a bit of an odd feeling about this. They were going deeper and deeper into the dungeon, and the walls had been closing in on them. Looking down the rest of the narrowing corridor, she wondered whether SHE would even fit. 

And those strange torches... 

But Lemongrab had infallible recall, and he'd got them out last time.

"Can you give an estimate of roughly how long this is gonna take, Lemongrab?" She asked.

"Oh aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA No idea!" he lied, "None! No! Complete mysteryyyy!!!"

She frowned. "Really?"

Lemongrab saw her lower her eyes and noticed her worried expression for the first time.

"Why the wan face, companion trunks?" 

"Just Treetrunks, and... I'm worried about my little boy... I hope I make it on time you know, pies can't be kept in the," she flicked her tail from side to side nervously as she stuttered, "in the oven too long now."

"You... worry for your son?" Lemongrab wondered in disbelief, "That he will be alone?"

He looked away in shock as if this had never occurred to him, his eyes darting around as he carefully digested this information. 

"-and you do not wish thiiiis loneliness upon him?"

"Well of course not!" Now Treetrunks frowned in confusion, "I love Sweet P... what kind of a mother wants her son to be all alone?"

"I can think of one..." he whispered. 

She was about to say something when he said, "This is indeed theee door we need.. if we go through here... we shall bee... out of theee oven within the next hour..."

"That's lovely to hear!" Treetrunks exclaimed. 

"Oh?" His face fell, "Are you... not happy to see m- everyone again? To see all your... dudes?"

This was very disappointing. He had followed his written guide completely, but he still didn't have any friends. And Treetrunks was the person who he had the most pleasant memories of, and had been looking forwards to befriending most.

"Well of course I'm glad to see you all doing well! But I am quite worried..." she turned to go over to the door, "let's see about this next room shall we gentlemen?"

The Ice King tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. He frowned and leaned close to it. 

"Hey there's something funky going on in there sounds like-" he bonked his head against the door, "sounds like some kind of stone party... it's all rrr and rrrrrrrr."

"Mmmmm... Elaborate pleeeaase, Ice Highness." Lemongrab demanded.

"Yeah it's all like...stone grating sounds..." the wizard explained, still stuck to the door, "like the sound my wizard cheeks made that one time I tried to twerk-"

Everyone shuddered at that mental image. Even NEPTR.

"-oh hold the phone... it's stopped now-WOAH!" The weight of his head pushed the door open and caused him to fall face first into a strange room.

He stood up and rubbed his head as they all came in after him. The room was made up of seven walls. A stone wall with the entrance door they'd come through, and another stone wall opposite with the exit door. There were three walls on the right, and two on the left. 

These other walls were built out of sparkling glass that created a kaleidoscope they stepped into, surrounded by a forest of multiple Ice Kings, Shelbys, Treetrunks, NEPTRs and Lemongrabs. Lemongrab looked worried at that. 

"Oh my! Look at this strange place... and these unsettling glass walls..." Treetrunks curiously approached one of the walls, and it suddenly flooded with colours that swirled into familiar shapes. 

"Well fancy that!" she exclaimed, going closer, "There's a picture of an elephant... just like me when I was but a child! Oh how quaint! This brings back memories..."

Lemongrab stood behind Treetrunks, cocking his head while he examined the picture with her.

Shelby crawled to the glass wall next to her. "Yeah uh Treetrunks there's also a picture of a worm guy next to it that you uh might find more interesting. If you're a worm. Like me."

"I'm here too look!" NEPTR pointed at the wall next to Shelby's, "It's me back when Finn and Jake played hide and seek with me and left me all alone for 15 months, 4 days, and 9 hours! Ha ha! I have intense abandonment issues!"

"Hold on now I'm getting a weird feeling in my tums..." Treetrunks muttered. Her, Shelby, Neptr... This was unusual.

She went to inspect the picture more closely, noticing that the young green elephant similarly moved to meet her. She stood before it, studying the teenager. She tapped it, and their trunks touched. She blinked her one remaining eye, and the other elephant winked back at her, moving completely in sync, like a-

"Reflection! Why...why these things aren't pictures... they're mirrors with some sort of magic in them!"

"What really?" Shelby asked in surprise, "Well I mean, yeah I guess that makes sense. Get a load of this guy I mean..." he stared at his reflection wistfully, "miniature varsity jacket... got the flowers... he's got it going on." He was standing at love tree point. He used to go there a lot but he hadn't been there in months. Not since the breakup. And he'd thrown his jacket out. 

"Yeah I think there's some kinda time travel stuff going on." he said.

Lemongrab looked at the three mirrors in turn. They did each seem to depict a scene from the past... love tree point, NEPTR's unhappy past, Treetrunks as a child. 

He turned to look at the wall on the other side of the exit. The Ice King screamed when he saw him looking and rushed to cover his reflection with his hands. 

His reflection, a blue skinned figure with a shorter beard and nose just moved to copy him so he failed. "DON'T LOOK! I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW THAT I USED TO WEAR GLASSES! I LOOKED LIKE SUCH A NERD AND IT'S ALREADY HARD ENOUGH TO GET PRINCESSES TO LIKE MEEE!"

Lemongrab looked away from that pathetic display.

Treetrunks, NEPTR, Shelby and the Ice King... but that must mean that...

"Hey you've got one too." NEPTR said to him

"Yeah it's right behind you." Said Shelby.

Lemongrab froze still for a moment and then slowly turned around.

His reflection similarly turned to look at him over its shoulder. Its white eyes widened, stark against its black uniform which also made its sharp teeth look even more inhuman and disturbing. It opened its mouth, its scream coming out of the real Lemongrab's body. It blindly reached to grab at air while Lemongrab reached for the nearest thing (that happened to be NEPTR) and hurled him as hard as he could at his former self and elder brother.

There was a loud smash. NEPTR dropped to the floor in a sprinkle of glass shards and said "ouchie..."

Lemongrab's hands convulsed and he screamed. He waved his arms around uncontrollably as he ran out of the room, and they could hear his continued muffled screaming. Then he came back in, looking haunted, and curled up in a shaking heap on the floor.

NEPTR rolled back onto his wheels and trundled over. "You threw me! That was pretty uncool..." he slowed down as he got closer to the quivering figure, and reached out for him, "hey man you okay?"

"He's having a moment." Treetrunks gently took NEPTR's arm with her trunk and pulled him away, "I think it's best we leave him alone for now."

She took another look around the room, but the stone floor and ceiling were all firmly and securely shut. No hidden traps or creatures.

"Well... good thing there's no monsters here. Or at least," she cast a glance back at Lemongrab, "only monsters of the past. And there's the door right there. That's another plus." She muttered to herself.

She walked with NEPTR to the door and tried it with her trunk, but it wouldn't budge.

"Hmm... there's a lock." She peered into it, "Well I never... at my age... Oh Mr Ice King!" 

The Ice King stopped making stupid faces at his reflection and went over to her.

"I always keep a little loop of wire around my tail under my ribbon - just in case I get locked in somewhere. Can you please get it for me?"

Ice King put his hand on her tail and wolf whistled so she kicked him in the face and asked NEPTR if he had any wires she could use as a lock pick.

Shelby continued staring at his former self in the mirror while Treetrunks tried to recall 3 decade old pirate skills. "The past huh?" he said. This must've been him all those years ago, at love tree point, right before their first date. Or maybe it was after the date? The ground next to his reflection was all messed up. They must've already buried their keepsake...

There wasn't really any point leaving it there now that they'd broken up and hey... it had been expensive. He suddenly decided to try and dig it up. Or at least get his reflection to dig his one up.

"Aw man this is kinda embarrassing," he scooted to the right and started scratching at the floor with his head, "Geez I hope nobody sees this... whatever though man... nobody ever pays attention to me anyway..."

He finished moving the dirt out of the way and looked into the hole he'd made, expecting to see what he'd buried.

"...what the heck is this..." He looped his reflection's head through the circle of wire sticking out and pulled. "two keys? what the?"

"Did you say you found keys?" Treetrunks asked hopefully, having realised she was really no good at lock picking.

"Yeah I mean... they're in the mirror though so I dunno how we're gonna actually open the door." Shelby said.

"Well... it's a magic mirror so maybe you can just softball pass it? Like through the glass?" The Ice King asked.

"Like in baseball!" NEPTR chirped.

"Yeah or baseball pass it. You guys can choose."

"Mmm Sure okay." Shelby said, unconvinced, "Here we go!"

Shelby bonked his head against the glass and was somehow able to get the metal coil in his mouth and pull it through.

He spat it out on the floor.

"Woah... trippy..." he muttered while the Ice King scooped up the keys.

They crowded round the door to watch the Ice King try the first key. Treetrunks flicked her tail from side to side nervously and impatiently as she watched.

"Aaand drumroll please..." the Ice King said as he reached for the handle. It didn't budge.

"Try the other key!" Treetrunks commanded.

He did with no result.

"Well diddly dosh darn it!" Treetrunks stamped her feet and swore, "Crabapples! It didn't work!"

"Yeah soz guys." said Shelby, "I mean I didn't really even do anything but y'know..."

"Shelby where did you get these keys from?" Treetrunks demanded. 

"The mirror."

"We all know that Shelby!" She lashed out.

"Oh uh... on our first date me and my gi- ex girlfriend buried this little like... cute music box thing that we were gonna dig up after we got married but then we broke up and stuff so y'know... and I just kinda felt like digging it up."

"But instead you found the keys..." she said thoughtfully.

"Yeah we all know that Treetrunks..." he muttered.

"Hmm... I wonder... perhaps we all have little keys hidden in our mirrors. Let's see... where would I have hidden something in the..." she approached her mirror and glanced at the background. 

"Why this is the hallway at my old highschool! Well isn't this a blast from the past! The key must be in my old locker for sure... why-" she directed her reflection towards a locker covered with newspaper cuttings of far away maps and forests and seas, "12-06..." she tapped the code out with her trunk "Aha! Bingo!" 

She removed a key attached to a black tag.

"Hmm..." The Ice King looked at his own mirror. Things weren't looking too good over there. The nerdy blue guy looked tired and very very thin- too thin. The ground beneath him was an ugly grey colour and covered with wilting plants. In the sky there were clouds glowing with neon green and orange, mutating into different shapes. The only normal thing was a broken down car behind him. Someone had ripped one of the doors off, and another someone had hung a curtain across the gaping hole. There was a piece of paper with "hom sweet hom" written on it stuck to the glass of a cracked window. That was Marcie's handwriting.

There was another paper next to it with "Happy Birthday!" written on it in handwriting that definitely didn't belong to Marceline but which was still hauntingly familiar to him. For some stupid reason.

"I just know there's something important under the car seat." He said suddenly and went to pull something out. "- what the... keys? That wasn't her present! Wait a minute... where even am I again..."

He scratched his head in confusion and pointed at his reflection, "Who's that nerd?"

"Yay!" yelled NEPTR behind him, who had reached under a pillow and found his key in one go, "I got it!"

Treetrunks hung her key on NEPTR's arm and let him excitedly rush to the door with the others. Treetrunks, however, went over to Lemongrab. He'd been pushed aside in all the excitement and she felt quite guilty. He'd stopped freaking out and was now quietly sat on the floor, vacantly staring into space. Not seeing anything.

"Now don't you worry dear, we'll all be far away from this nasty room before you can say apples. Or lemons, if you'd prefer." She said soothingly.

Lemongrab didn't move and kept staring at the wall in front of him. "Lemons..." he whispered. Treetrunks smiled and patted him with her trunk.

"There there... you'll be alright dearie."

The Ice King came to join them. "Yeah guys the uh... keys didn't work. Also I ate mine."

"Really now? Well..." they all silently acknowledged what had to be done. Treetrunks cast a glance over at the smashed in mirror. You could see the figure's body hunched over sat on the floor, copying the real Lemongrab's pose. Its yellow head was mangled by the splintering cracks coming from where Lemongrab had broken the mirror, with the twisted shards formed by the cracks each reflecting a different Lemongrab. In the larger refractions you could see an obese Lemon cruelly glaring at whoever dared to look at him, while the shards that had peeled off the wall and fallen to the floor showed different parts of a chewed up face. There were little flecks of pink here and there, but mainly cracks of black and white fitted back together like some sort of twisted puzzle. One that was falling apart.

"I only wear grey now..." he'd said to them, Treetrunks remembered.

"Now Mr Lemongrab..." Treetrunks placed her trunk on his shoulder and he flinched. She immediately removed it. "We can all see this mirror business has ruffled your feathers, but we do need to get out of the room. I understand that you've clearly had something very frightening happen to you since we all last met, but once you get your key it'll all be over, and you can forget this ever happened."

"I will NEVER forget..." he spat and curled up tighter, "You all would not understand...No... No one understands! None know the plight of a Lemongrab. I was once someone... so very different."

"Oh I totally get it like me I used to be this nerd called Peter-" the Ice King interrupted.

"I think it was Simon." Shelby muttered, "I heard uhh Finn and Jake talking about it."

"Oh snap Finn talking about me! Did he say how cool I am... get it... cool because I'm the ICE king!"

Everyone ignored him.

"And now... now... both gone..." he mourned, "But Iiii am still here. The guilt of the survivor... That they... O brilliant mind and kind little boy, have vanished while I remain- an empty rind of a person is a poor substitute for my dear past selves..."

Treetrunks frowned as she tried to figure out what he was actually saying. "So... you mean to say... that you did some bad things in the past... and you also lost your elder siblings?"

"I suppose... that is one way too put what, to use slang, weeent... down."

"Well..." Treetrunks sat down next to him, "I myself have been many people in the past. I have done some terrible things.

"How terrible?" he asked.

"You really want to know?"

"Yes I am intrigued. You mean... biting faces and legs off and committing geneva war crime convention violations?"

Treetrunks silently motioned for him to lean over so she could whisper in his ear. His eyes widened and he pulled away.

"Really? All those innocent people?"

"Yes."

"And the... the children too?"

"Yes. Like I said I didn't know that it was wrong at the time. I was a free spirit and now I know better. It's all in the past. And whatever you did," she pointed at him with her trunk, "that's all in the past too. You're different now."

"I have always been different." he pulled his knees up and lent his head on them, "It would be strange of meee not to notice that I am not like all others by now. Yeees... Iii am most different. But I have accepted this. It is not that which ails me..."

"Then what's wrong honey?" Treetrunks asked and the others nodded.

"I am not him... yet this...thiiiiss..." he waved his arms around, "this enchanted place says I am. Iiiii would not lay a finger on a child... nor would I harm one so dear to me... I would never take innocent people- people who rely on and need meeee, and endanger them... forcing them to play a role they do not want... locking them up in the..." He suddenly stopped and looked up at all of them, realising something. "Locking them up in the dungeon... Dear glob... I AM just like him, am I not? My lord... what have I done... you are all in danger... my selfishness... nothing has changed..."

He opened his mouth and looked like he was about to start screaming again. Treetrunks decided it was time to try and snap him out of it. 

"Now you stop that young man!" She said assertively. 

"Yeah!" NEPTR cheered, happy to be a part of things.

"Pull yourself together!"

"Yeah!"

"Are you really letting some random cursed mirror... thing tell you who you are?" she continued.

"Yes." Lemongrab replied.

"Well... stop that. You're a very uhh... let's see... you're a polite and nice young man who messes things up sometimes but you don't mean any harm. And now go over to that mirror thing and uh, show it who's boss."

"There is a boss?" he asked.

"Yes and it's you."

"But... but he still frightens me so much." he curled up again.

"Who." The Ice King did an owl impression and looked very confused when Lemongrab responded.

"My... My... I don't know what I'm supposed to call him. My brother or myself?"

"Maybe use his name then?" Treetrunks suggested, still not understanding what was going on. 

"I was not expecting tooo... see..." he nervously put his hands together and squeezed, "The first earl of Lemongrab here. I... I have... memories. Of him hurting me. Yet I was also him. It is confusing and Iii tryyy not to think of it. I was not prepared... to meet him...."

Treetrunks didn't understand what his brother, or whatever, had to do with this. Maybe they'd been... twins or something? She thought she remembered something about twin lemons. Maybe it was someone else though. Either way, whatever had happened was clearly hurting him.

"Poor thing. Well would you... I mean we do need to get out this room, you more than anyone, and we do need that key. Maybe if you close your eyes and we direct you?"

"No..." he shook his head, "no I must overcome this trial. I can only avoooiiiid for so long. There will beee other times. There was another time already... on the mountain... but then it was but a memory now I... I do not know..." He turned to Treetrunks, "Tell me how did yooouuu do it?"

"You mean how did I get my key?" he nodded, "Well... While being young was quite lonesome at times whenever I think back all I remember are the good times. So maybe if you think only of your good memories you had when you were younger, you'll be able to do it?"

"Nnngggh..." he closed his eyes, "No no... there are toooo many... miserable thoughts. Ah if I could rid myself of these... sour memories..."

"I don't actually remember anythings that's happened to me since putting this crown on so..." the Ice King took his crown off, "Want a go?"

"Yeah don't put that on Lemongrab." Shelby said quickly, "and uhh... I dunno I'm not a very good person to ask about this kinda stuff. Like... I'm still mad hung up about stuff so I dunno... I guess just give yourself a space to be sad and then it'll sort itself out?" 

"Joking about what happened helps me deal with my issues." NEPTR said happily, "like... what do you call a dumb gullible stupid robot that wasted 15 months, 4 days, and 9 hours of his life waiting for someone to come get him? NEPTR!"

Lemongrab sighed. "None of this is helpful to me... my lemon ways are not your ways... I shall have toooo overcome this challenge alone. As I always have. Now that I think of it, I was alone in the stomach when we defeated him... it has been done before..."

He stood up, looking determined.

"Veryyy well... lead meeee toooo theee... awful mirror."

"It's right behind you, dummy." said Shelby, who was bored out of his mind at all this melodrama.

"Ah yes." he turned, "so it is."

"Now let me... let me see..." he examined the mirror he'd smashed into pieces. There was a huge spiderweb of cracks spreading from the centre, and obscuring his reflection's top half. Only his legs were unbroken. "And those are his legs... detached legs.... AaaAAA I'm gettiiiiing streeessseddd..."

"There there..." Treetrunks patted his hand, "you can do it."

"Nngh we shall see... Oh dear what is this..." The mirror flickered and different images danced over the broken up glass, playing different pictures as the figure's body changed colour from black to white, and the room around him shifted, growing darker and smaller, with a table and cabinet.

"I see... my other brother... good little Lemongrab... So I am not just the one of them after all well... that iiisss some reassurance. Now where am Iiiii?" He went to have a closer look at his reflection's surroundings. 

There was the familiar table, with what seemed to be the room of their beloved doll. And the clothing cabinet above him to the right. 

"He iiiis in theee storage room. Where we would play with out little doollll before we broke hiiIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ONLYYYYY ONNEEEEEEEE!" Lemongrab screamed.

"Yo are you okay?" NEPTR asked.

Lemongrab stopped screaming. "Yes I'm fine thank you for asking."

He turned his reflection to face the ornate cabinet carved with lemons and branches.

"Ah how well I remember... the hat that did it all... the sleeping bonnet- the key must be there. Thee fiiirst row... four from theee right. There we are." 

He retrieved a key that was the same yellow colour as the hand it dangled from.

He walked towards the mirror to meet the reflection. He pressed their hands together, and felt the cold metal of the key in his extended hand, as well as something else. Something warm - or the memory of something warm- beyond the glass. 

He tore his hand away to quickly hand the key to Treetrunks and then replaced it. 

He'd fallen back into his quiet, vacant state. 

"You did very well dear." Treetrunks said to him. He didn't respond. 

There was a cheer behind them as Ice King successfully unlocked the door and yelled at them "Hey Guys we're gonna bounce!"

Treetrunks was about to say the same thing to Lemongrab. 

"Go on... without me..." He was still staring at his reflection's face, with its mournful, vacant face that had been cracked down the middle. 

"You shouldn't let the past haunt you. We need to get going." she said.

He remained silent. 

"I wish they would come back..." he said suddenly" if only for aaaa... moment... if only so I can saaay..."

He paused, watching his reflection's face as it had silently opened and closed its broken mouth in sync with him. "Goodbye..." It whispered it with him. 

"I know how you feel. You know... the reason I can still remember my locker combination is because that's the date of my parents' birthday. They were born on the same day in the same hospital, and that's how my grandmothers met. After that mom and dad were together all their lives. Until my dad passed away and well... "

"Oh..." He glanced at her, "I did not know of thiiis..."

"Well I was never very close to the rest of my family." She said flippantly, "You know... when I got married the only person who showed up was my mom ha ha- and she just made it all about herself... So I don't talk about it much. But every year I light them a candle and I think about them. But every other day I do what they would've wanted me to do: I get on with my life. It's possible to honour your dead without being swallowed by the grief," her voice suddenly turned very serious, "but you have to be careful."

He thought for a moment. Behind them the others grew tired of waiting and went on without them, propping the door open with a block of ice the Ice King made.

"Tell me Slavetrunks..."

"Treetrunks please."

"Tell me Treetrunks... do these unacceptable feelings... ever go away?"

"Well..." she paused before answering, "as long as you love and miss the people you lost, you'll always grieve, and no. Your feelings will never go away. But it will get better. Time will not completely heal you, but boy oh boy will it help."

"I see... well... I suppose... they would have wanted me toooo preserve what he worked for. Or maybe not. They were both very miserable and bitter lemons... perhaps they would raaather Iiiii merged with Matthew and ended their reign of pain..." he trailed off.

"Now you stop that!" She snapped at him, "Pull yourself together! How can you say that about your brothers? Really now... I'm sure they both loved you so much. They'd want you to keep going, today may suck but tomorrow will be better and anyway, hell is already full." 

"They never met me. How do yooouuuu know they would want me?"

"Well... well..." she stammered, "because you're brothers. You're family. And despite everything... families love each other." 

Lemongrab let out a bark of a humourless laugh. "You and I... Could not be mooreee different... little elephant you know not of what you speak..." He laughed again and shook his head.

As much as Treetrunks would've love to get into the nitty gritty of how wrong he was, a glance over her shoulder let her know the ice block was starting to melt.

"We can talk more about this later. But for now we need to get going."

He sighed. "Nnnnngh veryyyy well..."

He still wouldn't budge so she put her trunk on his hand and led him away from the mirror and though the door into the darkness beyond. 

"Maybe the next room will be something nice," she said brightly, "I do wish we could all do something fun after this... melancholy business.."

The walls started to move as soon as they stepped through the door. Shuffling themselves like a deck of cards. The broken wall was sucked down into the darkness of the mystery dungeon as the walls rearranged themselves for the next visitors. 

They both hurried along down the dark winding corridor after the others, and one of the glass walls, now empty of anyone, brushed the door shut behind them. There was the click of a lock, and then all was silent again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A lot of the stuff about Shelby and Treetrunks is my own personal hcs based on the episodes Return to the Citadel and the episode about Treetrunks' ex husbands.


	3. The Baseball Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mystery Dungeon gang stop for lunch and have a friendly game of baseball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only thing I know about baseball is that NEPTR knows how to play it.

“Saay… “Said the Ice King as him, NEPTR and Shelby crawled through the tunnel having left Lemongrab and Treetrunks behind them, “you know what’s weird?”

“What Poppy?” NEPTR asked eagerly, happy that his creator was talking to him first for once.

The Ice King stopped crawling and sat crosslegged on the stone floor as he thought. “The, well- isn’t it weird that my ice powers were exactly what helped us escape from the monster room?”

NEPTR thought about what the best response to that was. He should probably try to flatter his poppy and praise him for thinking about what was going on so deeply- that would definitely make him like him! “Yeah it is weird and you’re so smart for-“

The Ice King ignored him and continued, at which NEPTR’s robotic heart sank, “-And then the room after that was all about Lemongrab… and before that he was the one who pushed me… isn’t it weird how Lemongrab seems to know exactly what we need to do and how all the rooms need him SPECIFICALLY?!” 

The Ice King shuddered as Shelby crawled out from under his beard and curled round his nose to reply:

“Yeah it is kinda weird…” said the worm, “How about it NEPTR?”

“Who’s NEPTR?” asked Ice King before NEPTR could answer, “And what’s Bmo doing here?”

Shelby let out a low whistle “Dang man that’s cold.”

“I’m the Ice King!” The Ice King announced proudly while NEPTR quietly muttered that he was gonna go check on TreeTrunks and Lemongrab, “I’m always cold ha ha Gunther you kidder!”

“Why does Poppy not love me?” NPETR thought to himself as he trundled down the corridor, “Is it because… I only make pies? If I could make ice cream or snowballs would he like me more? But I can do other stuff… like I have that cool mod on my arm Finn made and I know how to rap! Sort of… And I like princesses and can be evil sometimes just like papi…”

NEPTR remembered what it had been like when he was first created. What it was like to see snow for the first time, with Finn, his creator, gently explaining everything they saw to him. At the time choosing his kind creator, fulfilling his purpose and having fun pulling pranks every day over living with the Ice King was obvious. But NEPTR was still the Ice King’s son. And when he saw a princess, as much as he tried to hide it from Finn, he did feel a slight urge to shove her in a sack.

It was an urge he’d tried to curb by cutting pictures of princesses out of the NOoospaper and keeping those in sacks instead. It had helped him for a while. Until Bmo found out, that is.

And listening to Bmo’s autotuned mocking laughter he’d thought back to his Daddy- who’d hoped he’d capture a princess one day- and how proud he would’ve been.

His other Daddy- his creator- was also less than thrilled. He wasn’t thrilled at all in fact. He wasn't angry either, he didn’t even react when Bmo told him.

NEPTR stopped before turning a stone corner to stare sadly at the floor. 

In the time when he was still half unfinished and just being alive hurt NEPTR had once asked Finn “Does it please you to watch me suffer?” But what was going on was even worse. It didn’t please Finn to watch him suffer, but it didn’t please him to see him happy either. Finn simply… and it was so painful to admit this NEPTR nearly blew a fuse- he simply didn’t care about him.

“Sheee simply does not care for me...”

Yeah that’s exactly what it was like... Wait- she?

“Made and spurned… Poor little lemongrab stuck in his castle thrown into the dungeon… doing his job and told he’s a butt…. She cared not for the older Lemongrabs… neither past nor present and nnnnnghhh…” 

Neptr scuttled back so he could keep eavesdropping. He knew it was probably wrong and not heroic of him but whatever.

“She cares not for the future either…” Lemongrab’s voice rang out.

NEPTR silently wheeled further away from the corner he’d been about to turn as he heard their voices grow louder. Treetrunks whispered something hushed and reassuring in her southern drawl that NEPTR only heard the end of:

“-like a heavy situation, but when I was your age I just thought about how I was an adult and could run away and do whatever darn diddly I wanted. You don’t need to live tethered by your parents and by the past.”

“Nnnngh…” Lemongrab replied, “but tethered I am and move on I cannot…”

NEPTR agreed. It was hard to leave behind what you knew- even if it was bad. When you’re so unused to things being good they end up scaring you more than the bad things. That was deep. It would make a good rap lyric.

“Tethered by my mother… and my brother and my… hmm… what rhymes with brother?”

“Yes your... brother.” Treetrunks said, still unsure abut exactly what was going on with Lemongrab’s family, “Listen you were very shaken up back there- like an apple tree leaf in a storm on a summer night during the heatwave season when it starts pouring out of nowhere and-”

“Okay we get it,” NEPTR thought, annoyed, “get to the point already.”

“-and then I say to Mister Pig “why do you never do the dishes and just leave them for me to do like a slave?” and he says “oh my back hurts and I’m tired can you do it” lazy fat fish anyway what was I saying?” 

“That I was shaken up back there. About my br-“ Lemongrab looked away and squeezed his arm, “brother.”

“Oh yeah your issues!” Treetrunks remembered, “I was a-wondering if you’re alright Lemongrab? You seem to be in a bit of a sticky situation- like you’re trapped even when you’re not in this dungeon.”

“Hmmmmmm…. Nnnngghhhhhh… how dare you,” Lemongrab struggled to respond, “I don’t know…”

“It's okay if you're unsure about how to respond.” Treetrunks patted his leg, “But just know that people who aren't hurt never struggle to answer that kind of question. And you can find me at my house if you need a friend.”

“A FRIEND?!?!” Lemongrab yelled so happily and loudly that several small stones dislodged from the ceiling and fell on the floor, “Oh... Oh goodness... I am soooo flattered! I have never had a friend before!”

“Now don’t be a silly goose,” Treetrunks smiled, “a nice young man like you must’ve had at least one friend.”

Lemongrab nostalgically remembered the second earl, who had been his other brother- or his other former self, it was still confusing, and said “I suppose… you are right.” 

NEPTR was growing bored of spying on them so he wheeled into the light and chimed in “Jake says that if you are funny, nice, cool, own a car, and possess other positive innate qualities you’re bound to score a few friends.

Lemongrab thought about this while Treetrunks asked: “NEPTR were you a-spying on us? You know that’s very rude.”

“Sorry TT.” Said the young robot as he pulled up to roll alongside them.

“Spying is… it is... rude?” Lemongrab curiously asked Treetrunks.

“Yes?” Treetrunks turned to look at him, “Lemongrab that’s a worrying thing for you to be confused about.”

“But my mother spies on people all the time.” Lemongrab explained, “and she is a beacon of perfection.”

“Didn’t you say your mother also sent you away for years and called you a butt?”

“So you mean to imply that she… that she is fallible?” Lemongrab was shocked. He’d never met anybody who didn’t think the Princess was perfect before.

“Yes of course.” Treetrunks said, “She’s a cream faced pole of a mother- parents sometimes are.”

“That’s like my poppy.” NEPTR added, sadly, “He doesn’t even remember that I exist…”

“Poor little metal boy… I know how you feel…” Lemongrab said sympathetically.

Treetrunks watched all this with a smile on he face and said gently, “Well isn’t it nice that you have a friend that understands you.”

“I have MORE THAN ONE?” Lemongrab yelled in bewilderment again. 

“Sure I’ll be your friend Lemongrab.” said NEPTR. 

They continued walking down the corridor to where the Ice King and Shelby were waiting. Lemongrab happily flapped his hands and posed a question to his new friends,

“If I maaay ask... How did we get to this stage of friendship?”

“You mean how do you make friends?” TreeTrunks asked. 

“Yes indeed… for NEPTR said that you are bound to score a few friends if you are funny and nice but this is most odd. You seeee,” Lemongrab reached into his stomach, “theee following document told me that in order to acquire companions I must um…” he opened the book to a bookmark and moved the book back and forth while squinting, looking like a middle aged parent, “that in order to make friends you must dress hip, talk cool etc… yet you claim it was thanks to my innate qualities that I was able to charm you? This goes against… everything I have ever been told.”

“Pfft…” Treetrunks blew a raspberry, “that’s stupid. Changing yourself to make people like you will never work. Because if you change yourself then the person receiving all the love and attention isn’t you - it’s the fake crust on the real pie, and because you aren’t the one really being loved or accepted, you won’t feel any less lonely. And that’s a fact young man.”

“You are so very wise...” said Lemongrab.

“Me oh goodness I’m not wise! This morning I put my toast in the toaster and then put my toaster in the oven so it would toast faster.”

“What’s wrong with that?” NEPTR asked, unable to contain himself with curiosity.

“I nearly burned the house down.” Treetrunks answered.

“Ah…” NEPTR and Lemongrab said in unison.

They walked on in pleasant silence- or at least it was for Treetrunks and NEPTR, Lemongrab had an internal struggle with his conscience and eventually quietly said:

“Treetrunks…”

“Yes lemondear?”

“NEPTR…”

“Yes my g?”

“Since you are my “Friends” and you “trust” me… there is something of… grave seeeeriousness I need to tell you-”

“Grave? More like…” NEPTR realeased a pie that splattered gravy and carrots all over the wall, “GRAVY!”

Lemongrab laughed and decided not to tell them.

“Yes little NEPTR that is indeed gravy… of the most... “ Lemongrab stuck his finger in the mess and tasted it, “acceptable variety! What a nice pie y.ou made!”

“Hey I want a pie too!” said the Ice King as him and Shelby crawled towards them up the tunnel, “We got bored waiting for you- why’d you ditch us anyway Bmo?”

NEPTR was crestfallen and Lemongrab narrowed his eyes at that.

“What kind of pie do you want?” the robot mumbled.

“One with princesses!”

“Pie Princess coming right up!” NEPTR expelled a pie wearing a crown. “Ta da!”

“She’s beautiful! I’m gonna marry her to my stomach!”

It was nice seeing his dad happy at something he’d done. Maybe the pie was even good enough to make him love him again?

“NEPTR might we also have a pie each?” Treetrunks asked, “All this dungeon business has left me famished.”

“What time is it?” NEPTR yelled, “LUNCH TIME!”

NEPTR made Treetrunks a Treetrunks shaped apple pie, but she was unable to fully appreciate it as he got over excited and launched it right at her like a cannonball, sending her flying back into the wall, covered in pie.

“Oops! Sorry!” he tried to ineffectively wipe it off her with his tiny robot arm and just made an even bigger mess. 

“Don’t worry about me,” Treetrunks said, licking the pie off herself, “you should ask the others if they want one.” 

“What pie would you like Mister Lemongrab?”

“Hmm… a pie fooor me? Hmm… what do you have? What is on theeee menu?”

“You can have a lemon pie if you want.”

“No thank you NEPTR my boy I try not to eat lemon flavoured things as they have aaaa…” Lemongrab remembered the terrible nightmares he’d been having about his predecessors, “bad effect on my dreams.”

“Oh yeah it would be kinda like cannibalism I get you my g.”

Lemongrab shuddered at the word cannibalism.

“Would you like savoury or sweet?” NEPTR asked.

“Sweet please.” Lemongrab said quickly, not wanting to even try sour food. The mirrors had shaken him up enough.

“Would you like a cherry pie? I also have apple?”

“I will have theee cherry thank you very much.”

NEPTR shot a cherry pie at him, more carefully this time. He was expecting Lemongrab to shove the entire thing in his mouth or try and find a rat he could use as a plate but instead Lemongrab sat down and neatly ate his pie with no mess.

“Would you like a pie Shelby-” NEPTR turned his attention to the worm, “I can make a dirt pie for you!”

“Oh you think I like dirt just because I’m a worm?” Shelby said in an offended falsetto, “I’ve lived in a viola my whole life - I’m a diasporic worm! We exist!”

NEPTR didn’t even know what to say to that other than “soz”. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying their pies though, especially his poppy, who had even tried to eat the crown. It made NEPTR feel all warm and nice in his metal heart. 

Shelby remained unimpressed, “Okay you guys have had your pies can we worming go now?”

“Yeah sure! Yay for new adventures!” Said NEPTR, “And trauma flashbacks!”

“Oh yeah it was pretty funny when Treetrunks had a mental breakdown.” said the Ice King. 

“That was Lemongrab and it wasn’t funny at all Mr. slice king.” Treetrunks butted in.

“Sorry I don’t listen to the opinions of non-princess women, and anyway, how much longer till the exit Lemongrease?”

“I am… How dare you call me grease… I am not…” Lemongrab muttered something to himself, “no no I am grease… Grease of the greasiest kind… the slimy kind… wicked…”

“Yeah anyway how much longer till the exit.” The Ice King asked Lemongrab as the lemon got up to lead them deeper into the dungeon.

“Ooonly one room remains… after which we shall beee at theee exit… how dare yooUUUAAAAA I’M TOO YOUNG! TOO YOUNG TO DIIIIEEEEEE!” lemongrab screamed as he vanished into the ground. Strange slithering noises were heard as his screams became quieter and quieter.

Everyone rushed forwards and fell down into the hole after him. They shot down a disguised metal funnel and fell out the other end, directly onto Lemongrab. He'd still been screaming at the time and NEPTR fell right into his mouth, choking him.

“Oh goodness!” TreeTrunks looked around at the new room while Lemongrab struggled behind her.

It had round walls that sloped up into a huge unclimable dome - though that didn’t stop Lemongrab from trying the scale the walls like a feral cat as soon as he recovered from almost choking.

The floor and ceiling were also both completely flat. The vast empty metal surface gave off echoing clunks as TreeTrunks walked around to examine the room. 

The only visible exits were the funnel they’d fallen through, and two holes on the opposite side of the spherical room. These holes were revealed to be connected in a tunnel after the Ice King flew up one in an attempt to abandon them to go find princesses and/or a snackbar, only to disappointingly loop back round.

But by far the strangest thing about the room was that it was completely golden from top to bottom. 

“Well shave my cat and call me a Grandma!” TreeTrunks exclaimed, “How are we supposed to get out of this one? We’ve fallen into this… creepy trap just as we were so close to going home.”

“You are miistaken… miiistaken… this is indeed the room we seek.” Lemongrab reassured her, “The sought room- the final challenge…”

“What is the challenge tho?” Shelby was completely exasperated with everything. He didn’t like any of these people and the death traps weren’t helping. “Dying of boredom? Like there’s not even any books or videogames?”

“Bmo over here has videogames!” The Ice King pointed at NEPTR.

“That is NEPTR.” Lemongrab said coldly. 

“Who now?”

“Nnnggghhh AAAAAAA HOW DARE YOU THIS-” Lemongrab picked up NEPTR and hurled him at his father “IS YOUR SON NEPTR AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TEACH YOU THIS LESSON, OLD MAN?”

“Yeah and I-I don’t have any video games…sorry poppy…” NEPTR said from his position on the knocked over Ice King’s stomach, “I can rap a rapping rappity rap for you though, if you want.”

“I still do not fully unnn... derstaand what this “Rapping” is…” Lemongrab was incredibly curious as to what on Ooo rapping was and kept hoping NEPTR would explain it to him. 

“I can rap for you!” 

“Maybe later Dearie,” Treetrunks interrupted, “some of us need to be getting home to pick up our boys from school.”

“Oh yeah… Sorry… but it IS kinda boring in here…” NEPTR drove round the empty room to emphasise how boring it was, “Like we haven’t really done any fun stuff other than when we ate my pies-”

“-I didn’t have any pie.” Shelby said, sulkily. 

“-and I can’t eat so I couldn’t do that. And we haven’t seen each other in a long time so it’s kinda like our reunion!”

“Yeah no it’s not.” said Shelby. 

“-So I wish we could do something more fun than looking at these… boring walls like play baseball. Do you guys like-”

But before NEPTR could say baseball the wide floor of the room flooded with tiny blades of golden grass- with clumps of the grass morphing into plate sized cylinders that were connected by lines of shining golden paint. A referee chair rose out of the grass to shimmer in the recently made golden sun. Golden clouds drifted across the dome ceiling and a distinctively warm summery breeze blew around Lemongrab and his friends. 

NEPTR recognised it immediately. “Oh hey it’s a baseball court!”

“A what now?” Lemongrab looked around him, “This is not a court - there are no pews… no judge or magiiistraaate… a poor imitation… I decree it unacce-”

“He means a different kind of court honey.” Treetrunks explained, “Also what are you wearing?”

“What am Iiiii wearing? I am wearing my uni… hold on…” Lemongrab looked down at himself and saw that he was indeed wearing something strange. White shorts, sneakers, a striped shirt printed with a white 1. He felt his head and found he was wearing some sort of black cap.

“What… am Iiii wearing…? And why the one? I am the third earl of Lemongrab! Anyway what are yoouu wearing?”

“Me? Oh I don’t wear clothes: I’m a nudist- wait a minute…” Treetrunks felt strangely heavy all of a sudden and realised she was also wearing a white striped outfit, printed with a number on the front. “number four... Why we’re all wearing baseball uniforms. We must be a baseball team.”

“I’m a referee!” said Shelby and blew on his whistle.

“I’m a dissappointment.” Said the Ice King, wearing a baseball cap over his crown.

“And I’m…. Baseball NEPTR!” NEPTR had a cap on his can and an oversized t shirt printed with 3 slung over him. “Never ending ball throwing robot!”

He shot out a pie filled with baseballs that burst out of their filling when the pie hit the ground, and rolled across the grass.

“You can make ball filling pie?” Lemongrab asked in wonder, watching the sticky balls rolling around. 

“Yeah!”

“If you are not limited to food fillings… then… you have no limits… you could make medicine pies… shoe pies… toilet pies… perhaps even an elixir of life flavoured pie… a pie made with the philosopher’s stone embedded in its middle… NEPTR are you the answer to all of philosophy’s questions?”

“I dunno. I’m just NEPTR- the Never Ending Pie Throwing Robot.”

“Is that what yooour name stands fooor?” Lemongrab said, “Iiiii thought it stood for Not Every Person Trains Rats…”

“I thought it stood for your name,” said Treetrunks, “like… Nigel Eugene Peter Terry Roberts.”

“I don’t know what I thought it stood for, but if he’s any son of mine then the P is DEFINITELY for Princesses.”

Lemongrab’s yelling seemed to have worked because that was the first time in years that the Ice King had called NEPTR his son.

“...guys it was literally so obvious that it was to do with pies.” Shelby muttered, “Glob y’all are stupid.”

“Hmm… I suppose…” Lemongrab said when he felt something strange and heavy in his hand: a bat, “GAH! WHAT IS THIIIIIS DOING HERE! NNNGGHH STEPMOTHEEER!”

The bat flew out of his hand and fluttered over to the ice king.

“Oh that lives in me beard…” The Ice King slid the bat back into its fluffy home, “also why are you holding a bat?”

“Another? Wait what?” Lemongrab waved the conjured up baseball bat around in confusion, “what is thiiiis wooden contraption?”

“It’s a baseball bat!” NEPTR explained, “So I guess that means we’re the team that’s batting and you’re up first.”

“M-meeeee! I do not know! I do not know what the batting is!”

“Basically, the other team bowl the ball at you,” NEPTR explained and spun his arm in a circle like a wheel as he demonstrated, “and you hit it as far away as you can…”

“WhAT?!” There was a lot to take in here for one lemon. Bowls… Balls… hitting things…

“It’s a lot of fun!”

“It IS?!”

NEPTR pointed at the batting stand. There was already a muscular golden man wearing a similar uniform standing there, and another, even more beautiful golden baseball player getting ready to throw the ball.

“You’re up!”

NEPTR happily pushed a terrified Lemongrab onto the stand.

“They are planning on THROWING THINGS AT ME!” the lemon screamed in fear as the bowler wiped the ball. 

“That’s meant to happen! Just hit the ball with the bat and it won’t hit you!”

“O-oh… MMMmmmmnnngghh….” Lemongrab stood and watched, absolutely terrified, as a beautiful golden man pulled back his arm and launched a ball at him. He shut his eyes out of fear and blindly swung his bat with a piercing scream. There was a loud thwacking sound. When he reopened his eyes he saw the ball sailing away in the air.

“Wow you hit it so far that’s great!” NEPTR waved his arm around, “You’re so good!”

“I did…” Lemongrab said in disbelief, “I AM? Hmm… Hm!” He turned to look at his rapidly disappearing ball proudly. Noticing that the other “team” were chasing after it for some reason.

His joy was short lived because everyone started yelling at him: “Why aren’t you running you’re meant to start running!”

“WHERE TOO AAA!!!!”

“AROUND THE BASES! YOU TAP THEM AS YOU’RE RUNNING! YOU NEED TO GO NOW!”

“AAAAA I’M GOING AAAA!” Screaming, Lemongrab took off around the bases, slamming his yellow hands onto them so hard he shattered each one.

A mechanic, also made out of solid gold, materialised and ran across the pitch to start fixing the bases Lemongrab had smashed in his panicked rampage.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” He continued to scream as he reached (and smashed) the final base.

“And that’s a homerun!” Shelby said called and blew on his whistle, “I think? Is it a homerun?”

“YEAH!” NEPTR spun round in happy circles, “When you go through all the bases in one go you get lots of points! We’re winning!”

“We are?” asked Lemongrab. 

“Yeah you did great!”

“Now I am but a simple leman…” Lemongrab said bashfully, “I know nothing of the basing ball.”

“You have to start running as soon as you hit it though,” NEPTR explained to him. “Or else the other team will tap one of the bases and you’ll be out- if they catch the ball you’re also out so try not to hit it near them…”

“But isn’t being out good?” Lemongrab was confused, “Do we not want to get out of this room and go home?”

“No it means out of the game. It means you lose and it’s bad.”

“We are in a very dangerous dungeon,” Treetrunks added, “if we lose we might die.”

“They can’t kill us: it’s against the rules of baseball.” NEPTR said cheerfully. 

“Well I suppose…” Treetrunks decided not to explain to NEPTR that murderers tended not to follow laws and probably didn’t follow the rules of baseball either. 

The opposing team cleared their golden throats and looked annoyed.

“Shoot it’s me now!” Said the Ice King, “Bye guys!”

The Ice King took the bat from Lemongrab and stood, glaring, in front of the bowler.

“You gonna bowl me out big boy?” He froze him, “No you ain’t.”

Shelby blew his tiny whistle, “Out!”

“Hey you’re meant to help us cheat!” The Ice King said in an annoyed raised whisper, “Don’t you wanna escape!”

“Oh yeah sorry!”

“Now we have to swap sides!” NEPTR grabbed Lemongrab’s shirt and pulled him after him onto pitch. 

“Swap... sides?”

“Yeah! Now we’re gonna be the pitchers and fielders and they’re gonna be batting.”

One of the golden players handed Lemongrab an item he instantly recognised. 

“This is a catcher’s mitt! So this whole time you were really talking about the game of catch…”

“Sure I guess! Do you wanna be the catcher then?”

“What is that?”

“It means you’ll have the catcher’s mitt and it’ll be your job to catch the ball and throw it to the base manners!”

“The… the what now?” Lemongrab was giving up on ever understanding this game, “Manners? Table manners?”

“The people on the bases. If they tap the ball on the base then the other team’s batter is out.”

“But we want to get out of the room- not them!”

“No out means… it means they can’t play anymore. It’s bad.” NEPTR said in exasperation, “I-I already explained. Anyway you go and stand where you think they’re gonna hit the ball - No you’re not allowed to stand right next to the batter, you have to stand in the- no that’s not allowed either- Just… just go stand over there.”

Lemongrab followed his instructions and went to stand in the middle of the field.

“Treetrunks you can be on first base. Ice King you can go on second base and… what are we gonna do for the other two…”

“Leave that to me!” The Ice King started shooting ice out of his fingers- ice which took the form of ice people he commanded to go and man the other bases.

“In that case you should make another one of them and go be a catcher with Lemongrab.”

“Oh yeah cos I can fly- ha ha you’re a lil cheat NEPTR.”

NEPTR beamed. That was the first time his father had got his name right since they entered the dungeon.

Lemongrab was also smiling. He had always wanted to play catch. And while he had always imagined it would be with his mother rather than with a robot, a small elephant, an old lonely blue wizard, a worm, and some golden people, he was… having fun. Things were acceptable for the first time in a while. He had friends! 

Maybe what Treetrunks had said… “You don’t need to live tethered by your parents” maybe that was true. Maybe it could even be true for him. 

He saw the ball whizzing in his direction while the golden man sprinted around the bases so he himself sprinted for the ball, catching it snugly in the mitt like he had always wanted to, and tossed it to NEPTR. 

NEPTR tapped it to the base. “Out!” Shelby blew his whistle. 

The game continued. The ball went whizzing around in the air and the golden people ran back and forth. After a while they swapped and when they went to stand in a line awaiting their batting turn Lemongrab noticed that NEPTR’s bubbly happiness had almost disappeared. The little robot looked anxious and even afraid. 

“What is wrong little NEPTR? Why theee… sour face?” Lemongrab asked.

“We’re not doing so well…” 

“We…. are not?” 

“No look- the homeruns they scored brought their score up- we need to get two homeruns in a row if we want to overtake them.” NEPTR looked exasperated, “also sidenote but why did you eat the ball when you caught it?”

“I wanted to know what it tasted like.” 

“Then why did you eat it another two times and let them score homeruns?”

“Because I liked the way it tasted.” It dawned on Lemongrab that he had made some sort of mistake, “is everything… all myyy fault?”

“Yes but it cannot be helped now- anyway, you’re up first.”

It was indeed Lemongrab’s go first. But before he could go over a cold hand pulled him aside “hey don’t worry about it Lemongrease just try to keep your balance okay?”

“Wha-” Lemongrab was about to ask the Ice King what on Ooo he was talking about but he was shoved forwards. 

Tentatively, he stood and raised his bat to lob the ball as far as he could (he’d learned that much). The ball flew towards him, he hit it and was prepared to run when all of a sudden everything rushed by him in a golden blur and by the time he could see properly, everyone was cheering and saying he’d done a great job. 

“Wh... wha… huh?” He looked down as he got off the final base and saw a sheet of ice secretly hidden in the grass. The Ice King’s ice monster’s must have secretly melted into a pathway of ice that he had either slid on around the bases, or had the Ice King push him on. 

The Ice King gave him a thumbs up and grinned as they passed each other. Lemongrab realised that perhaps he had underestimated him. Maybe despite his terrible parenting skills he could also be a good “friend”. 

NEPTR had massively cheered up now that they’d almost won. All they needed now was one more homerun and they would win! 

Ice King turned the baseball cap on his crown backwards to show that he meant business and raised his bat, waggling it menacingly as the batter drew his arm back and threw the ball. He hit it and Lemongrab saw how an icy hand of sorts rose out of the grass to carry him around the bases at a breakneck speed. 

But it wasn’t going to be enough. 

His old man arms hadn’t hit the ball far enough and it was already being passed round to the final base. He was going to be out. They were going to lose. 

“No!” NEPTR cried out as the ball sailed over the rapidly moving wizard’s head, sealing his fate as well as theirs, “I wish he’d make it- I wish we’d win.”

As he said that something strange happened. The ball seemed to slow down and the Ice King passed under it, clearing all the bases and scoring a homerun. As soon as his blue hand tapped the final base, it and all the other bases, bats, and opposing team exploded into tiny pieces of golden celebratory confetti. The Ice King held up a bewildered hand to the falling flakes of gold, “What the hooha?”

They glanced up and saw that the clouds in the golden sky had rearranged themselves to say “You’re the winners!”

“But we’re supposed to play for more rounds?” NEPTR said in confusion. The clouds rearranged themselves again to read, “That’s irrelevant” and then both they and the golden sun exploded.

The room fell into blackness and they huddled together in the dark. When the golden light returned they saw that so had their normal outfits. 

“We’re wearing our normal clothes!” said Lemongrab, and happily patted his favourite uniform. 

“I’m not wearing any clothes!” said Treetrunks. 

“And the court is gone…” Shelby said. 

The room had also shrunk in size. It was no longer the wide field it had been and was now the size of a regular room, but still big enough to comfortably fit all of them. The hole they’d come from had also shrunk to be miniscule. There was no way out now.

Other than that nothing had changed. They all looked around them but beyond the change in size, the room was identical. 

“But where’s the exit?” asked NEPTR, quietly, “We won?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	4. The Genie's Lamp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NEPTR finally shows Lemongrab what rap music is.

“Maybe it’s cos you cheated.” Shelby said pointedly, “And now there’s no freaking exit.”

“I didn’t cheat.” Lied the Ice King and folded his arms with a pout.

“Yeah you did and now we’re all stuck here- we have to go through here to get to the exit right Lemongrab?” 

“Yeeeesss…” Lemongrab said distractedly. He was examining the walls- trying to find a sliding door or panel of some sorts. Where WAS the exit? Had the map lied to him? Did it not want him to find the exit?

Were they trapped and was it all his fault?

“So it’s all your fault!” Shelby yelled at the Ice King while Lemongrab tried to guiltily ignore them, “What are we gonna do now?”

Treetrunks muttered to herself “I just wish I knew what on earth was going on in here…”

As she said that there was a sound like dry whispers in the funnel they’d come from as something slid down the tunnel. A folded up paper slid out of the hole and neatly dropped at Treetrunks’ feet. 

“My my what is this…” She picked it up and unfolded it, “Some sort of message. Let’s see… It says “what is going on” oh that’s mighty helpful- the Genie's lamp room gives the inhabitants whatever they wish for so long as they are in the room.”

“...what really?” Asked NEPTR in wonder.

“I mean that’s what it says here on this manual doodah.” Treetrunks waved the paper around.

“That must’ve been why we had to play basketball-“ Lemongrab said thoughtfully.

“-it was baseball-“ NEPTR corrected him.

“Baseketball. NEPTR said I wish we could do something fun like play basing balling. How interesting…” he trailed off, “Wishes...”

“Are you gonna like… try it out?” Shelby asked conversationally, “Does anyone have any like… wishes…?”

“If you want to see how it works why don’t you make a wish?” Asked the Ice King. 

“I mean it is, y’know, a cursed dungeon place…” Shelby replied, “like the first room tried to kill us and remember last time? Yeah no thanks. I’m gonna wait before I start wishing for junk.”

“That iiis rather… machiavellian…” said Lemongrab. But there was a hint of truth to that. They had to be on their guard.

“I made a wish and I feel fine.” Said NEPTR.

“Yeah but you’re a robot and I’m a worm.” Shelby pointed out.

“I suppose we could wish for the way out…” Treetrunks admitted, “but before then, I wish to see how my son is doing.”

The golden floor underneath them spasmed and they all backed away in fear. Various shapes bubbled out of the ground- had they unleashed another monster?

The golden bubble took the shape of a television screen and sat there, glittering innocently.

“Well I never what is this…” Treetrunks curiously tapped it with her trunk.

“It appears to be aaaaa television…” Lemongrab said, “hmm… It seems famili- ah I see! This is a secuuuriityyy surveillance screen!”

“A what now?” she asked, “A… surveillance screen?”

“Ngh yes… and theee candy here stands fooor…” he pointed at the candy crest inlaid at the top, “the candy kingdom. This is one of the Princess’ cameras…”

“I don’t see what this has to-“

Lemongrab pressed the 'On' switch and a candy cane antennae popped out of the top, with it’s waffle cone rotating as it sought out the right signal. The screen gradually cleared into a picture as it swung closer towards the correct stream of data, with the image blurring into a classroom viewed from the ceiling with only the backs of the children’s heads visible. 

“My word! That’s Sweet P!” Treetrunks exclaimed.

Lemongrab scanned the backs of the children’s heads for a small elephant. “Where?”

“There…” she tapped the monitor, “that’s him… but-“ she checked her watch, “he should be packing up to go home now?”

"Hmm…" Lemongrab thought, looking at Treetrunks and then back at the large satyr toddler that was Sweet P. “He must have been made in a lab like I was.” he decided. 

“Of course- I’m so silly… I forgot he has art club on today. I guess we don’t need to rush.”

“Yippee!” said NEPTR while Lemongrab smiled at the idea of them all getting to spend more time together.

“But yikes…” muttered Treetrunks, “spying on children… I can’t say I approve of that.”

“What do you mean?” asked Lemongrab. 

“I mean that I think the princess is a wicked creep! Spying on children- Starchy says there’s cameras in each bedroom too! Can’t get changed without her peeping, can’t sleep without her watching-”

“Nnngh…” Lemongrab muttered. 

“-probably wiretaps everyone too. Doesn’t she have anything better to do with her time? And then there was the time she whizzed on my wedding- sent us all to prison without even a trial for supporting Ooo’s true king well-“

“Treetrunks that is my MOM!” Lemongrab said defensively, unable to contain himself, “Ngh how dare you.”

“Wait- your mother is the PRINCESS!”

“Yes! Well…” She had never actually said he was her son but she had created him with some of her matter and that was what a mother was, right? “sort of… technically.. It’s none of your business…”

“And you’re ROYALTY!?” Treetrunks said in disbelief. 

“-But he’s not a princess so I don’t ca-are.” Sang the Ice King.

“Well… yes I am theee Earl. I am… royal...” 

Treetrunks remembered that Lemongrab had already seemed a little confused about whether spying on people was wrong or not. And well… that was an attitude she couldn’t leave unchallenged. “And do you do all this… spying on people? Are you also a false idol who whizzes on weddings? Are you repeating your mother’s mistakes?”

“I… I did spy on people… once… but I am different now. Hm. Yes.” His mother had once caught him spying and she’s said a similar thing to Treetrunks- she had asked him why he was stalking her peeps. It had always confused him- he was in his rights after all. But perhaps… perhaps it WAS wrong. He wasn’t sure. “I am unsure of many things about this strange third life- but I am certain that I am different from my predecessors.” 

“And…” he continued, “and I am different from myyy mother toooo. I have always known such yett… but mayhaps that difference can also be a good thing. I do not think that I would whizz on a wedding, as you say.” 

“Well thank glob.” Muttered Treetrunks.

“So how do you feel Treetrunks?” Shelby interrupted, “You gonna die anytime soon? Heart rate all ok?”

“I feel just dandy.”

“Hmm…” Lemongrab thought, “If it is safe then Iiiii wish fooooor…”

“I wish for vegan doughnuts!” A bunch of doughnuts materialised on the ground next the Shelby, “Oh wow neat it worked! Okay now I wish for my girlfriend to love me again.”

The room beeped and flashed red like a computer error message.

“Aw what the hell man! Weak…”

“It says here that the genie’s lamp room gives the inhabitants whatever they wish for… so long as they’re in the room.” NEPTR pointed at the manual, “So I guess your wish didn’t come true because your ex is outside this room…”

Shelby wasn’t listening because while NEPTR was explaining everything he’d wished for the room to create a carbon copy of his ex girlfriend (that still loved him) and was busy making out with it.  
“...I wish fooor aaa screen so I do not have to look at that.” Lemongrab muttered.

“What are you- jealous?” asked the Ice King teasingly.

“N-no I…” Whatever weird biting thing they were doing with their mouths was unsanitary and disgusting. But maybe if it wasn’t with a worm and they’d both disinfected their mouths it wouldn’t be so awful, maybe it could even be something acceptable, “am Iiii jealous….?”

“I’m jealous… I want a girlfriend…” The Ice King said sadly.

Lemongrab stiffly patted his beard.

“There there Ice King… I am sure you will find an acceptable little Ice Queen one day who can share your creep-stylez….”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better- and now I feel even worse.” The Ice King slapped his hand away, “Because you’re such a loser and if even you feel sorry for me I stand no chance with a princess… Oh how I wish someone loved- Oh yeah I can just wish for one! I wish for a princess who loves me!”

A shining woman wearing a crown walked out of the wall and batted her long eye lashes at them. Lemongrab was so taken aback by this he forgot she wasn’t really real and waved at her shyly. The Ice King pushed him onto the ground “BACK OFF GET YOUR OWN PRINCESS! This one is gonna be MY wife!”

“Is she gonna be my mommy!” NEPTR asked, driving happily round in circles.

“What’s that BMO?” said Ice King, “Still trying to get child support?” 

NEPTR’s face fell. They’d been doing so well… he'd been calling him NEPTR, and he’d been praising him. And it had seemed like things were finally back to the way they should be- he’d been so happy.  
And now it had all been taken away from him again.

“No I just-“ he said quietly. 

“Well anyhoo,” said the Ice King flippantly, “can you make yourself useful and be my wingman for this hot princess I just wished for.”

“Didn’t you already wish for her to love you?” Treetrunks asked. 

“Oh yeah haha!” The Ice King gave her a thumbs up and flew over to the princess on his beard. “Great job being a wingman Bmoooo!” he called after them.

It hadn’t even been him who said anything that time. “My name is NEPTR...” the robot whispered quietly. 

“Nngh… unacceptable behaviour…utter luuunacy…” muttered Lemongrab, who had now sat up.

“Whaddaya mean I’m the only one here who’s thinking straight!” said the Ice King, offended, “Why don’t you wish for a hot babe lemongrease- you like princesses right?”

“Oh uh…" Lemongrab really was not enjoying the sudden spotlight his love life was getting. Why did the Ice King remember THAT but not his own son!? 

“Come on don't be a prude.” The Ice King encouraged, “You know you wanna.” 

“N-no thank you… not in front of… other people. I-I have standards.” Lemongrab stuttered awkwardly.

“I don't.” Stated the Ice King and started crooning to his golden princess.

“Neither do I!” said Treetrunks, “I wish for tight men!” 

A horde of miniature animals with chiselled abs and ridiculously luscious hair materialised around Treetrunks. Treetrunks gestured for them to form a line in front of her. 

"I had thought you said you were loyal to your husband." Lemongrab said tetchily.

"Of course I'm loyal to Mr Pig!" Treetrunks said while swatting away her golden suitors, "these aren't real boys- they're just fake tinfoil! So it's fine. I'd never actually forsake our marriage- except with the alien who visits sometimes. You ever had that happen? Alien visits?"

Lemongrab didn't say anything.

"Now don't look at me like that- I love Mr Pig more than anyone but a girl wants more y'know? And he can get so jealous sometimes- it's stifling! Now if only he was... well... that'll be my next wish..."

"Umm..." said a confused Lemongrab while Treetrunks ignored him to start kissing her horde of beautiful golden men.

“Will yoouuu wish foor anything little robot?” Lemongrab asked NEPTR quickly, pretending not to look at all the kissing everyone was doing.

“No I… can't think of anything…” NEPTR said glumly, “what about you?”

“Meee? I suppose I could wish fooor… Hmm…” He was far too embarassed to wish for a princess though whatever biting thing Treetrunks was doing with her “tight men” DID look very fun. Maybe he should try to get a princess that wasn’t mother to like him in a way that wasn’t motherly. Maybe if things went well he could even have real children one day- actual heirs, not just citizens. 

That last thought made him remember something he desperately wanted, “I wish for my precious doll and son Lemonsweets!”

He felt a familiar, comforting weight in his hand and sure enough, there was his beloved doll smiling up at him with his mischievous smile. Not a single crack on his pretty face. Whole and complete…

“Ooooh!” Lemongrab patted the doll’s smooth ceramic head in delight, “Oh hello sweets my darling little son! Did you miss your daddy?”

He propped the doll up and moved it’s head to make it reply “Ooooooooooo yeeees…”

NEPTR watched all this with sad disinterest.

“So is this what you like… do in your spare time?” he asked.

“Yes. Why do you think it unacceptable… do yooouu spurn my little boy, little pie robot?”

“No he’s a cute doll!” 

Lemongrab grumbed: “he is not JUST a doll… unacceptable...”

“I like listening to rap music in my spare time.” NEPTR continued. 

“Ah yes… the rapping music…” Lemongrab sat down and balanced Lemonsweets on his thigh, “I still do not know what that is…”

“I can show you!” NEPTR wished for a casette and a casette player with headphones.

Lemongrab looked extremely silly with the headphones on his big bald head, his nub slightly squished under the headband. NEPTR pressed play and Lemongrab sat politely and tried not to look immensely dissappointed. 

The music was also incredibly loud so Lemongrab raised his voice to hear himself speak, which given that he already screamed every sentence meant he shouted; "WHEN DOES THIIIIS CACOPHANY END AND THE MUUUSIC BEGIN?!"

“That is the music!”

Lemongrab’s eyes widened and he whispered.

“They- they're saying a lot of… unacceptable words these rap musicians.”

“That’s normal.” NEPTR explained.

Lemongrab decided he’d had more than enough rapping to last him a lifetime and took the headphones off. 

“And this is the sort of music you wish to… emulate…”

“No I normally rap about what I see around me and about what I feel inside. Would you like to listen to me free style?”

If there was one thing the Lemonhope situation had taught Lemongrab it was that if you aren’t supportive of people’s musical interests it will blow up in your face, quite literally. So he uncertainly said: “Yes?”

NEPTR waved his arm around happily, momentarily forgetting his sad situation: no one had ever asked to hear his music before! 

Now that he thought about it he’d never had an audience before, it was kind of scary. He drove back and forth nervously, looking around the room for something to rap about.

“Ok hold on uhh…” His eyes fell on the Ice King and then words magically came to him. He flipped the cassette and pressed play, waving has arm to the beat of the music as he started rhyming;

“Finn the human  
He lives in a tree  
He’s the one who  
Created me  
Ice the King  
Lives in the snow  
Taught me everything  
That I know  
How to choose  
Who to be like  
It’s like inside me  
There’s a fight  
I don’t want to fight  
I don’t want to feel pain  
I don’t want to feel  
Neglect and shame  
I just want to bake a never ending pie  
Sometimes I wonder if I should just-“

Lemongrab got incredibly worried about how that sentence was probably going to end and hastily interrupted, “NEPTR might I advise you, as your buddy, to seek a therapist?”

“What for?”

“Well uh… it iiis just that…” Lemongrab remembered how the Ice King had lashed out at him after he tried to comfort him, and Shelby had done a similar thing when he tried to help him in the Monster Room “Nevermind I am not good with words- I will just make everything worse for yoouuu.”

“Ok then.” Said NEPTR, “Are you gonna wish for anything else?” 

“Hmm…” Lemongrab picked Lemonsweets back up and stroked his shiny head as he thought, “I suppose there are many things I want…”

“Yeah like I want my daddy to love me-“ 

Lemongrab grimaced “That may not be theeee…. healthiest thing tooo wish fooor- why not wish fooor… your favourite food… or… or…” 

“Yeah but I don’t think there is anything else that I want… like… My other creator doesn’t seem to like me very much, and Poppa doesn’t even remember who I am anymore. I just wish-“

“Woah!” Lemongrab clapped his hand over NEPTR’s mouth. “Think about that!”

“Okay ok,” NEPTR muttered after Lemongrab released him, “I don’t wish but I really really really really really-“

50 reallys later, NEPTR said: “really want to know what it’s like to have your dad love you.”

Lemongrab squeezed Lemonsweets sadly as he thought about how to respond to that. It was very unlemon of him, but seeing little NEPTR be so sad was quite upsetting.

“Well… maybe it is not so veeeryyy terrible…” he began carefully, “My own creator also does not like me much and I ended out…” Lemongrab was about to say fine but thought for two seconds about what he was like and decided not to, “hmm… okay nevermind I see your point. But maybe… maybe wish for some other things first? It does no good to climb endless stairs to unattainable love, little robot, and things which are unattainable are unacceptable.” 

“Ok I'll think about it. I also want to be hunky and muscly.” 

W-what?” Lemongrab found the idea of a buff NEPTR very funny, “But you're just a little robot and you are cute like a button."

“Yeah but I wanna be tall.” 

Lemongrab wished for some tea for himself and had a delicate sip. “How tall exactly?” 

“I dunno… like, how tall are you Lemongrab?” 

“At the time of myyy recreation I was 1 metre and 92.5 centimetres exactly, Iiii think I have grown a little due to eating and such since then, so I no longer know fooor sure.” 

“Wow! You're so tall! I wish I was tall!”

NEPTR shot up as he elongated into a giraffe like creature, finding himself face to face with Lemongrab’s amused expression. 

“Well there you are…” Lemongrab had another sip of his tea, “do yooouuu like your new form?” 

“No not really.” NEPTR examined himself in the reflective golden floor, “I look kinda weird. I wish I looked the way I did before.”

Lemongrab grew bigger and bigger as NEPTR shrunk back to his original size.

“Now I don't know what to wish for.” NEPTR scratched at the floor aimlessly, “We already played baseball, I just showed you my epic rap skills, I'm not allowed to wish for my daddy to love me, I can't think of anything else I want…”

“Hmm… how about you… go and see what Treetrunks is wishing for… I… I myself feel… overwhelmed by sleep suddenly…” Lemongrab rubbed at his suddenly heavy eyes and blinked, “I think Lemonsweets has enjoyed sitting on the floor and needs to…” Lemongrab slid to the floor and started snoring slightly. 

“Goodnight man.” Said NEPTR and wished for a blanket to cover his friend. 

Humming the rap he’d written, NEPTR drove over to Treetrunks and her harem.

“Okay okay okay boys!” Treetrunks said from under a pile of adoring men, “That’s enough sugar for you misters- god I wish you’d all go away.” 

NEPTR watched as they all vanished and a dazed Treetrunks sat up. 

“Now let’s see… I’ve seen Sweet P, satisfied my womanly-“

“Hey Treetrunks!”

““Hello Neppy baby!” Treetrunks said, “I was just about to wish for something else.”

"Like what?" asked NEPTR, "I can’t think of anything I want badly enough to wish for it in a demonic dungeon room- can I stay and watch you for inspiration?”

“Well alright.” Treetrunks whisked her tail around as she thought of another wish, “Now I wish for a version of Mr Pig that isn’t a lazy yellow bellied pumpkin patch and will actually do the dishes-“

A golden pig rose out of the floor and planted a loving kiss on her cheek. 

“Hello mash potato-“ it said in a loving yet monotone voice.

“-and which doesn’t think mash potato is a cute pet name.” Treetrunks added.

The golden clone of her husband dropped in her knee and started yelling.

“Ah Treetrunks! Star of the heavens! Aphrodite! My darling angel! Guapisima!”

"-and one who will... know that I love him and accept the way I truly am- Alien husband and all-"

"But of course Treetrunks my darling- I love our alien boyfriend."

Treetrunks nodded approvingly. “Now go do the dishes.” 

“Of course my dearest!”

“Well…” said NEPTR, “I don’t have a broken marriage I’m in that I can vent my frustrations about by making wishes so I’m gonna go and see what Shelby is wishing for.”

Treetrunks didn’t reply because she had also fallen fast asleep on the floor, with Mr Golden Pig dutifully scrubbing the floor around her. 

“Weird….” Said NEPTR, and drove off to go find Shelby. 

Shelby was still canoodling with his girlfriend behind the screen Lemongrab had wished for. NEPTR cleared his metal throat politely to get their attention.

“What? Oh… hey NEPTR.” Shelby looked up, “sup man.”

“Have you made any other wishes?”

“Nah. But maybe I should wish for some other stuff. Let’s see… I wish for my cool varsity jacket back-“

A shimmering jacket wrapped itself around his noodle body, an S stamped on each pocket.

“WOW THAT’S MATHMATICAL!” That had to be the coolest jacket NEPTR had ever seen. 

“Yeah I guess it is kinda cool…” Shelby said modestly, "how bout you NEPTR? Are you gonna wish for something? You could wish for a jacket like mine and we could be jacket buddies!"

“Um…” NEPTR hadn’t really understood Lemongrab’s metaphor about stairs so he looked over at his father wistfully, considering his wish. The Ice King was still having fun with his princess that he’d wished for. He was showing her his abs (which were really just his ribs) and she was crying golden tears of joy. Shelby followed his gaze and sighed.

“Look man I’m sorry you have to put up with that but like… it’s not his fault y’know?”

“It isn’t?”

“Yeah… Finn and Jake talk about him sometimes and I’m y’know, living that Viola worm life so I kinda know a bit about him.” Shelby folded his tail under himself so he could sit up and explained:  
“Basically fella used to be some science guy named like… Simon or something I dunno… or maybe it was some other nerd name like Peter. Point is you see that crown?”

NEPTR looked over at his father’s golden crown, the rubies embedded in the metal glinting as he moved. “Yeah?” 

“-the crown gave him ice powers and it also made him crazy bonkers nuts- guy doesn’t even remember his own name so like… don’t be offended that he doesn’t remember you, y’know?” 

“But that’s not fair!” NEPTR smashed his arm down on the floor. He’d had enough of all this- it was so unfair. Why did HE have to put up with this? “I didn’t… ask for anybody to make me! And now I’m just supposed to... be okay with that?” 

“Yeah I guess I mean there’s nothing else you can do- any wishes are gonna wear off once we get out anyway.” 

That was true. Even if he did wish for his daddy to love him, it would just be the same cruel cycle, him thinking things were getting better followed by them getting worse. 

“Uhh… also I wish for a cool car…” A miniature toy sports car rose out of the floor and scooped Shelby up, “neat… anyway I’m gonna go drive around so… so… oh my glob what the…”

Shelby’s head fell forwards as he fell asleep, hitting the miniature steering wheel of his toy sports car and sending him crashing into the wall.

“What the?” NEPTR hadn’t noticed the wall there. But he was certain it hadn’t been there. What was going on, why was it closer suddenly? “Why’s the wall here?”

And it wasn't stopping there- the wall was getting closer and closer and closer. The unhinged door of Shelby's car scraped across the golden floor as the car was pushed along.

NEPTR drove away from the approaching wall yelling, "The wall is trying to hug us!" 

"And this hot princess is trying to hug me!" the ever oblivious Ice King said from next to NEPTR.

The room which had been slowly constricting the, had suddenly tightened its grip like a fist. All the holes had disappeared and the air was getting hotter. NEPTR could see beads of sweat gathering on his sleeping companions- companions who had been pushed by the walls and were now only a few centimetres away from each other.

NEPTR shook Lemongrab, Treetrunks, and even Shelby but they didn’t even move. 

He drove over to the Ice King and tugged at his beard, "Poppy I'm scared!" 

The Ice King laughed awkwardly and tried to hastily reassure his princess, "Don't listen to him he doesn't know what he's talking about I've never seen him in my life- I totally don't have any kids- or a wife! Well maybe I have a fiance but…"

NEPTR drove away, sick and terrified. At this rate they were all going to be crushed! What was even going on? NEPTR stopped.

"What the-" He noticed there was something stuck in his tires, he pulled out a piece of paper- the same one Treetrunks had been given. "the instructions?" 

“The genie’s lamp room gives the inhabitants whatever they wish for so long as they are in the room.” He read. Then NEPTR noticed some small print at the bottom "but p.s. after each person makes their third wish they will fall asleep and be crushed to death by the walls, with their disembodied spirits becoming the power source of the room OH MY GLOB THAT'S SO NOT MATHEMATICAL!” 

NEPTR panicked and counted how many wishes he'd made: the baseball court, winning the game, the cassette, being tall- that was way more than three! So… why had everyone else passed out while he was still going? 

But of course he wasn't like everyone else. Everyone else was fleshy and squishy and made out of organs and skin and... whatever while he was a robot. And so long at the magic lightning given to him by the Ice King wasn't depleted, he could keep going.

NEPTR popped open the back of his batteries and checked how much power he had left. The blue ice energy powering him had nearly been depleted. There was just a little sliver of power left.

He had only one more wish. 

The Ice King still had two.

“Poppa please wish for the way out!”

“Whaaat?” said the Ice King, “No way- after you've embarrassed me like that in front of my princess I'm gonna have to wish for another one. Okay room I wish for another broad who loves me! Wooo!”  
The walls pushed everyone closer together- by now everyone was so tightly squeezed NEPTR could no longer move- with Tretrunks squashing him on one side and Lemongrab, who was still clinging to his doll, on the other. 

“Daddy please! We’re all going to be crushed!

“Hell no to the no no! How about you make your wish yourself, smart guy.” The Ice King draped his arm around his princess and narrowed his black eyes, ”Hey I bet you’re just trying to stop me from wishing for another princess- well jokes on you I’m gonna wish for another one in 5-”

NEPTR only had enough magic battery left in him for one more wish… He could either wish for his poppy to love him… Or he could wish for the way out.

“-4-“

But there wasn’t really much point in wishing for the way out… the way out to what? Going back to the treehouse where everyone ignored him? With BMO’s teasing about his can on his head or his one arm or whatever else Bmo could think of? Going back to having no poppy.

“-3-“

Maybe it wouldn’t last very long, but he would have a loving Poppy and that was enough surely? Everyone was asleep and he couldn’t carry them all through the exit in time- the room would constrict them and that would be the end of it.

“-2-“

But even so…

“I wish…”

The room hummed with magical energy as it prepared to crush them.

“For…My poppy to love me.”

The walls surged forwards. There was a loud SNAP as Lemongrab and Treetrunk’s bones were crushed by the pressure. Before the walls enclosed them, and before his battery flickered out and died, NEPTR saw his father’s eyes flood with an unmistakable tenderness as he recognised him truly and genuinely. 

Recognised his own son about to be crushed to death. 

“I WISH FOR THE ROOM TO LET EVERYONE OUT!” Simon screamed, “AND-AND FOR EVERYONE TO BE FINE AND NOT DEAD AND STUFF!” 

Bones were unbroken, the walls slid away and as they did, the floor flooded with cracks. 

Simon reached for his unconscious son and pointed his finger at his battery, refilling him with magic as he cradled him. 

The floor started to disintegrate. NEPTR slowly opened his eyes and let out a mechanical groan. There was something cold wrapped around him, something clammy pressed against his metal forehead and someone who sounded so sad whispered “goodbye son, I love you.” 

“I love you too poppy.” He whispered back, and felt something wet on his face.

The cracks finally burst, sending everyone falling through the floor into the darkness beyond the room. The shards of gold glittered in the dark and melted into blackness.  
As soon as they left its perimeters Lemongrab, Treetrunks and Shelby woke up and started screaming as they realised they were falling. Shelby also started crying because he had to go back to a girlfriend-less world. The Ice King noticed no changes, just that he felt empty inside. Like something had flown out of his heart and left nothing behind. He also wondered why he was clinging onto BMO like his life depended on it.

“Well I don’t need THIS piece of junk anymore.” He said, and dropped NEPTR. 

Lemongrab luckily caught NEPTR’s arm in his teeth, locked Treetrunks inbetween his legs and latched onto the Ice King’s legs for dear life as he was the only one of them who could fly. 

Shelby landed, still crying, on Treetrunks’ head, and they slowly descended down past the spiralling tower to the final exit in a weird chain while the room they'd just come from splintered and destroyed itself, raining down golden shards after them.


	5. The Music Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lemongrab tells his friends a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it to the end! Also this chapter is a little different from the rest as it features songs. Most of these are reworked songs from the show but they're pretty obscure so I made a playlist of them called "mystery fungeon setlist" that you can listen to as you read it https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL68gh5UJ8Uyd9xCfAH_WjjmpBKaRbY4ac though cw the cheers theme was written 80s/70s? ish and features a transmisogynistic lyric which I am not a fan of.

Treetrunks, Shelby, Lemongrab, NEPTR and The Ice King all slowly fell past the spiralling ledge. They passed the corkscrew shaped staircase. Then they landed neatly on the dirt floor of the final room. Lemongrab unclenched his jaw and let NEPTR fall onto the floor, with deep bite marks and a significant bend in the arm he’d bitten. 

Lemongrab and Treetrunks both shuddered after landing. “I don’t know about you boys,” said Treetrunks, “but I feel AWFUL funny in my jeepers creepers.”

“Yeah well that’s probably because all y’all bones got broken.” said the Ice King casually.

There was a confused pause.

“Pardon?” asked Lemongrab.

“Yeah but you’re fine now so no biggie right!”

“I mean… I guess…” Treetrunks admitted, it was true that she’d had weirder things happen to her. “Is this true Neppy honey? NEPTR?”

NEPTR looked dazed, and he was forlornly scratching his twisted arm across the dirt floor, drawing a picture of the Ice King. Or what looked like the Ice King. He wasn’t a very good artist so it was hard to tell. 

“Oh boy more drama…” muttered Shelby. Treetrunks shushed him.

“What’s wrong NEPTR?

“Oh nothing I just… nevermind.” NEPTR thought about how to put into words everything that had happened and decided not to- still being in the same room as The Ice King was alread weird enough. Though he did feel guilty for potentially killing Lemongrab and Treetrunks, so seeing them be so nice was painful. It had been a spur of the moment thing and to be fair, he would have died to, died having known true fatherly love. But even so…

Maybe it was true what Finn said about being a hero and helping others at your own expense. He wanted to apologise.” I’m sorry. Also, you were right about the stairs LG.”

“Whooo is LG?” asked Lemongrab and then realised, “OH! ME! A NICKNAME! And to think making friends for dummies by L. Onely said I would never attain friendship!” 

“Mmhmm…” NEPTR carried on aimlessly drawing with his arm.

“And what do you mean… about stairs?”

“Oh I dunno…” said NEPTR, “that infinite stairs are like love: unattainable.”

“I disagree… it is not unattainable. For… have we not attained the affection you seek, between ourselves?” asked Lemongrab, “ I myself have been climbing infinit stairs to an unreachable unconditional love, but I have found something attainable here. And things which are attainable… are acceptable! You… are acceptable...”

Having said that Lemongrab noticed that NEPTR’s broken metal arm had bite marks in it that could only have come from him clamping down on him too hard.

“Your liiittle arm has been unacceptably damaged by mine bite! I am sorry, how dare you." he apologised.

"It's okay.” said NEPTR, “Rugged style is all the rage with rappers."

"Yes but I can repair it fooor you... and I may even make it... more rugged if you would like..."

"Really? You mean like... give me a gun?" NEPTR snapped out of his sad mood for a moment. To think… his own gun...

"Weeeell...nnghhh…” Lemongrab said awkwardly, “I think you are too yoouung but... I can give you a contraption similar to my old sound sword, if you would like."

"HOLY COW A SWORD! So cool! Maybe Finn and Jake will let me go on adventures with them!"

"Yes yes... or maybe…” Lemongrab nervously tapped his fingers together, “maybe perhaps you could mayhaps even go on an adventure... with me..."

"Yeah sure that'd be fun!" 

“Yeah yeah but can we get out of here?” The Ice King interrupted, back to his old self again, “I have a fiance waiting for me.”

“Yesyes.” Lemongrab walked forwards and gestured to the dirt wall in front of them. It was now that they noticed a sheet hanging across it, covering where the door NEPTR had destroyed with his pie had been, “This dooor leads to the centre exit.” 

“This door is secured with a… badly made curtain.” NEPTR added.

All they needed to do was pull down the curtain and they’d be on their way home. 

This was easy!

“I’m going to see Sweet P!” Thought Treetrunks excitedly, “and my husband!” She thought less excitedly. 

“I’m going to go back to my princesses!” thought the Ice King.

“I’m going to go get a cool new sword arm!” thought NEPTR.

“And I am going to return to my empty lonely castle…” Lemongrab thought sadly as he ripped down the curtain to reveal the Esoteric encryption system. Only… there was no esoteric anything. Nor was there the hole they’d made. Instead, the way out was barred by a wooden door covered in round lumps. 

“What the! Nnnngghh pips and lemons it’s the wrong DOOR!” Lemongrab kicked and beat against it but the door refused to open, “THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED! THIS IS NOT WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!” 

“There there,” muttered Treetrunks, now used to Lemongrab’s breakdowns, “it’s not your fault that there’s a weird… door made out of heads here instead of a whatever the uh… other door was.”

“No you do not understand!” Lemongrab screamed as he scratched at his face, his eyes bulging out of his head and his pupils turned to slits, “No one understands! I am… alone… and I never meant to hurt any of you… but now we are trapped in this dungeon forever and it is all my fault! ALL MYY FAULT!”

“Ummm… what is going on here Lemongrease?” said Shelby.

“Yes.” added Treetrunks as she took a step closer to Lemongrab so she had to tilt her head all the way back to look up at him, “I’m getting a weird feeling about all of this and I- I think it’s cos of YOU mister you’d better fess up young man!”

Lemongrab rung his hands and looked like he was about to start screaming again, but instead he suddenly fell still and muttered, “Nnngh very well… I shall confess myyy crime. My unacceptable crime…You see…” 

Lemongrab grimaced as he started to recount what had happened. Just thinking about it was painful for him. He was still healing, still a shadow or reflection of his former self, and a cracked, broken, mismatched one at that. That was why… a few months ago...

“I had a very terrible experience a few months ago." he confided, "I had thought I was… getting the hang of my strange new form yeeet… yet all life seemed… duller than it had before. I could not eat for theeee… emptiness inside of mee, epmty save for my… lemon loneliness- could not sleep for the haunted dreams and in my grief, my lemon mind grew strange weeeeds.”  
“I began… prying at my stitches.” as he talked his hands subconsciously ran over where the scars had been before they healed. “I had only threeee… or.... Onlyyyy ONE... spoonful of lemonjons a day. I could barely stand for the hunger- my subjects had to carry around my weakened frame. Finally I travelled on the night of the tap of the heavens to the mountain revealed by their starryyy light. I was to… merge with Matthew and thus cease my existence.” 

“Dang.” said the Ice King, “Did you?”

“No…” Lemongrab was taken aback, “hoow would… how would Iiii be here if I had submitted to the ecstasy of ego death?”

The Ice King shrugged and picked his long nose.

Lemongrab didn't say anything, gave him a look, and continued:  
“As I stood at Matthew’s chasm having cleansed my body of impurityyy, I was found by Mother Princess’ boy champion: Finton the human. I informed Mother’s knight of my plan and he… did not try to stop me. He flippantly waved his hand and said “I know you have issues”... and it was then that I realised that there is no one in the world who would miss me. There are none who would mourn my merging.” 

“What’s he on about?” Shelby whispered to Ice King.

“I dunno he lost me at Tinman the human.”

“-And it was then that I realised… the solution to my emptiness… it is a companion I require. A Lemongrab to my Lemongrab… in theee weeks following I remembered the gay time we had all shared of fun in the- ” 

“It wasn't exactly fun.” Mumbled Shelby.

“Hush servile let me embellish! I realised I wanted to be around others… but not just ANY others: you! But I am...no good at this… No good at all... not even the slightest bit acceptable... I knocked you all out and brought you here but... I have endangered youuu all despite claiming to care for you.. your loved ones tooooo…” 

He lay down on the floor and picked one of the rocks, holding it over his chest like a dead body in a coffin is arranged to hold a candle, “Feel free to make me into food Treetrunks..."

"Oh sweet I'm starving!" said the Ice King.

"No Mr Simon... and... Lemongrab, sweetheart,” Treetrunks said gently to the mock dead body, “do you know that what you did was wrong?

Know that what he did was wrong? Of course he knew it had been wrong. Just like spying was. “Nnnnyeeees…”

“And you won't kidnap anyone again?”

“No.” 

“Then we forgive you. Also you didn’t have to do all this we’re just a phonecall away. Just look up Treetrunks in the phonebook and I can come over and make a pie for you- no more of that… three spoonfuls a day nonsense.” 

NEPTR wheeled away from his drawing and over to Lemongrab to comfort him too. “Yeah we can hang out whenever! I don’t have a job and Finn tried to send me to school but I pied the teacher in the face and got expelled, so I can hang out whenever you want.” 

Lemongrab smiled a little but didn’t budge.

“You don’t have to worry. We’ll look out for you.” Treetrunks reassured, “I know you have issues, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

Lemongrab opened one eye. “Friends?”

Shelby shook his head and said nope.

"Yes of course we want to be your friends, you big silly.” Treetrunks playfully bonked him on the forehead with her trunk. “Besides- All the challenges in this... mysterious basement are solvable using the right skills and approach... why should this be any different?

“Hmmmm…” Lemongrab opened his second eye and sat up to look at the door again. “Hmmm... very true... I suppose this is a defeatist attitude to take... And as the person who put you in danger I should do what I can to get you out of it.”

He walked over to inspect the door more closely. 

"Hmmm... very curious…” 

On further inspection the round lumps on the door were actually faces with little eyes and mouths. Lemongrab poked one of them but it didn’t move. There was also a stone frame around the door with strange engravings on it. Lemongrab’s terrible eyesight prevented him from reading the inscription so he picked NEPTR up to read it for them. 

“The door shall- WOAH!”

As NEPTR started reading the inscription it lit up with an orange glow so the words he was reading shone.

“The door shall only open for you if you sing it a song that is true. Also it says ‘rejected by the doorlords’ here in tiny writing at the end.” NEPTR read. Lemongrab put him back down on the floor and hmmed in thought.

“Aaaaa true song? Aaaa song… about theee theme of truth? Well that iiis simple" lemongrab cleared his throat and started hopping from foot to foot in a sort of dance while atrociously singing:

"It is theee opposite of false and it starts with a T,  
The truth can bring pleasure but it once hurt meee,”

At the sound of his (admittedly terrible) singing the heads started glowing and opened their little mouths in joy. 

“This thing lies do conceal, and conceal it well  
That my mother did hate me I never could tell  
Truth can be yourself, if you come as you are.  
Which I did, what a failure. After T there comes R.  
After R there comes U, H follows the T.  
The truth is my mother has never loved me."

The heads had been glowing like lamps as he sang and now that he was finished, they quickly went back to their original dull and expressionless state.

Meanwhile everybody that could clap did, while NEPTR just waved his broken arm around enthusiastically. Shelby didn't do anything, he just sat there, looking unimpressed.

Lemongrab was also unimpressed. He tried the door again but it wouldn’t budge. “Hmm.... The door is... Un...opened... I will try again with aaaa more dictionary definition…”

“I don't think it'll help…” said TreeTrunks, “those strange little heads only started glowing when you sang about your, um, mommy issues... when you sang only about what truth means they didn’t seem to like it very much.”

"Yeah please don't start singing again," Shelby said quickly, "ever." 

“I see...hmm...personal issues... perhaps the truth you refer to is a metaphorical and subjective truth... which is unique to all of us…,” Lemongrab thoughtfully placed his hands over his lemon heart, “Mayhaps if we all came together to sing of our own truths... theee door will open.”

“Sooo…” said the Ice King, “what time is it?” 

"IMPROMPTU MUSICAL NUMBER TIME!" yelled Shelby.

“I was gonna just say like… music time but sure.” The Ice King shrugged. 

The Ice King set about delicately crafting a functional drum kit from ice- with icicles for drum sticks. NEPTR said some tongue twisters to warm up for rapping again.  
Treetrunks and Lemongrab drew a mock poster for their improv performance in the dirt with sticks until the ice king made them some instruments (an ice guitar whose strings melted within seconds for lemongrab, and an ice keyboard for TreeTrunks). With that the Mystery Dungeon freestyle musical group was ready to start. 

Lemongrab turned to face them and put his hand together seriously, about to give a pep talk. Silhouetted by the dull heads of the door with his melting guitar he didn't look very motivating or imposing, but he began:

“Okay yes the hard times are over… and... “ Lemongrab thoughtfully stroked his forehead for a moment, “all of a sudden I have intense deja vu… ANNYYYYYYYWAAAAYY-”

“Aw glob please stop yelliing… my ears…” Shelby complained.

“AS I WAS YELLING- HERE’S THE PLAN!” Lemongrab held up his hands as he addressed his friends, “We will take these icicile instrumments… provided toooo us by his Ice Majestyyy… and sing songs about our various eeemoootional traumas. Treetrunks will bee thee first singer, then you… Ice King… meanwhile nnngh Tree Trunks keep whacking that keyboard, Ice King do your drumming... Hmmm.... I will attempt to play guitar- it cannot be too difficult if the vampire savage that dared creep on my mommy can do it-”

Ice King gasped as he finally realised what Lemongrab being both Princess Bubblegum's son AND his friend could mean for his love life and said "Oh yeah is your mom single!"

"SILENCE YOU IMBECILE LEAVE MOTHER PRINCESS ALONE! I’LL BITE YOOOUU!" Lemongrab screamed and after an intense reply like that all the ice king could do was hang his head in shame and sadly drum.

“Nnnnngh yes yes…” lemongrab continued, “after theee first few verses... performed by yoouuu.... people.....followed by NEPTR rapping…” 

“You can tell I'm a rapper because my can is on backwaaaaards.” NEPTR said proudly, with his can indeed twisted backwards.

“-I shall do a very cool punk rock screeeaaaming solo. And Shelby.”

“What?”

“There are not anyyy instruments small enough for you so I command you, no, um…” Lemongrab tried to think of a nicer word than command and unsurely said, “Please? Just think about music really hard. Can everyone heeeed my inSTRUCTIIIOOONS?”

“YES glob's sake... chill out…” Shelby crawled away to hide in a crack where he hopefully wouldn’t be able to hear their terrible music.

“Yes we're all ready.” Treetrunks announced, “On three. One.”

That was a lie Treetrunks actually wasn’t ready- she hadn’t been in a band since her early twenties and even then she hadn’t been very good. The only person who thought she was good at singing was her husband- current husband, and watching him watching her she could almost believe she was as great as Ella Fitzgerald or Bette Midlow.

“Two.”

But she didn’t actually like any of the love songs they sang- about staying true with one person, as if the way she was with her two husbands wasn’t true. Mr Pig’s jealousy was stifling- and all those songs about one love and one way to be were his truth. But maybe it was time to sing her own...

“One.” 

She was ready.

“You say you’d like to get me  
On a slow boat to China  
All to yourself alone”

She swatted at the ice keyboard with her front legs while The Ice King kept a steady beat and Lemongrab pretended to play his stringless guitar. The heads seemed to like what they were hearing because they were faintly glowing with pleasure.

“But I’d like to get us  
With our eyes big and shiny  
Under the spaceship briny  
The three of us evermore  
With the constraints and weights  
The rings I hate  
Left buried on the shore.”

At this the heads started shining. And Treetrunks was similarly smiling- it felt good to put all this into words. Maybe this really was her truth, and she should follow it.  
Treetrunks gestured at the Ice King to pick up the melody- and to do it fast as the heads were quickly dimming.

“Oh we’re allowed to sing covers?” he asked,” I can do one of those- OOOOH GUNTHER! WHY DID YOU EAT MY FRI-oh you don’t like that.” The heads had almost lost their glow, “Okay here’s uh… here’s another ditty for ya- Doo! doo doo doo doo doooo! Doo! doo doo doo doo doooo!” 

He threw his head back and belted:

“Making your way in the world today  
Takes everything you've got!  
Taking a break from all your worries  
Sure would help a lot.  
Wouldn't you like to get away?”

The heads regained their glow and Treetrunks regained some of her musical abilities as her keyboard playing gradually became more and more in tune, and she even joined in to accompany the Ice King with the chorus.

“Sometimes you want to go  
Where everybody knows your name  
And they're always glad you came  
You wanna be where you can see  
Our troubles are all the same  
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.”

The Ice King smashed his drums as he ploughed on, half forgetting the second verse.

“All those night when you've got no lights,  
All you can do is cry;  
And your little Marcy  
Can’t look you in the eye;  
And Betty didn't show;”

The heads had doubled their glow so that they almost hurt to look at. Everyone unanimously decided to band together for the chorus and hit the door with as much emotion as possible.

“Sometimes you want to go,” The Ice King sang,

“WHERE EVERYYYBODYYY KNOWS YOOUUR NAME!” Lemongrab screamed. And they all sang together:

“And they're always glad you came”  
You want to be where you can see,  
Our troubles are all the same!”  
“You want to be where everybody,” The Ice King finished as cold tears he couldn’t control or understand slid down his long nose, “knows you’re Simon...”

NEPTR stopped in his tracks both literally (he stopped moving) and figuratively. What Shelby had said was true- his real Poppy Simon was trapped inside the Ice King, somewhere. And if this was all that was left of him then… maybe Shelby was right and he really couldn’t be blamed for anything he did.

Lemongrab nudged NEPTR forwards “It isss your turn little robot boy,”

“My name is NEPTR.” he began, “It rhymes with... umm…” NEPTR couldn’t focus on the verses he’d prepared.

“Sceptre?” Lemongrab suggested.

“it rhymes with…” he tried to form something.

“Nectar?” Tree trunks suggested.

“It rhymes with…”

“Princesses?” Ice King suggested, “sorry what's going on again? Who are you people?”

The door’s glow had dwindled while NEPTR struggled. He couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of Simon, the real Ice King and his real dad, who he would never meet, trapped by that crown.  
And then it hit him. How had Daddy started his song? Gunther why did you eat my fries..?

“Oh crown, why did you eat his mind,  
And make him leave me behind,  
You ate it, yes, yes you ate his mind,  
And you can’t even see how he’s cried.  
My Popppyy-  
Doesn't even love meee-  
He can’t show it  
And he doesn’t even know it-”

“NEPTR I thought we agreed you were going to rap-” Lemongrab interrupted, “you are going off from myyy internal script and it’s making me STREEESSSED!”

“Ok um… give me a beat.”

The Ice King dropped his icicle drumsticks and started poorly beatboxing like he’d seen Finn and Jake doing. NEPTR swung his broken arm from side to side and began.

“Yo my name is NEPTR  
I live with Finn and Jake  
whenever I'm around fun times I make  
I’m an oven with a face you should remember  
I saved the goblin kingdom from a girl of embers  
And I bake pieeeeeeees!”

With that NEPTR did a spin and launched a pie right at their audience, the door. 

The pastry crumbs and splattered juices dripped off the heads as after a few moments of shock, the heads stopped glowing and started frowning in disapproval. Just as they had before the performance, placing them at square one. It was up to Lemongrab and his screaming solo to save the day. 

Lemongrab let it rip. He screamed so loudly that all their ice instruments shattered leaving, Ice King and Treetrunks playing thin air, while Lemongrab smashed his own guitar on the floor in the heat of the moment. 

The heads had gone from smiling, to being blank and unimpressed, to crying tears of pure agony as Lemongrab screeched.

Lemongrab’s eyes rolled into the back of his head as his voice reached a frequency few creatures had ears sensitive enough to hear. He started foaming at the mouth, adding the sound of maniacal gargling to his screams. 

At this the now black faces swelled to twice their size and exploded, splattering everything with runny black goo as they chose the sweet release of death over listening to Lemongrab for one more minute.

Everyone wiped black goo out of their eyes and tried to wipe it off their clothes.

“Oh dang…” said the Ice King while polishing the crown that now had a very sad cover song dedicated to it, “Guys I think we killed them.”

“Whether it is possible tooo kill aaa inanimate object is debatable,” said Lemongrab, but looking at the dripping wreckage of the door hole, through which they could see the exit chamber, he had to admit, “though the door does not look very alive at the moment. I believe this to be my fault. Perhaps my screaming solo was not very… acceptable...”

“Whaaaaaat? Nooooooo!” NEPTR, Treetrunks and Ice King lied simultaneously.

“Your solo had a lot of, um, character?” Said Treetrunks.

“Yeah!” said the Ice King enthusiastically, “you were too real for the phonies of the music industry- they don’t know what raw talent looks like!”

“Everybody's a critic Mr Lemongrab,” said NEPTR sweetly, “do not listen to them. I thought your solo was good.”

“G-goodness…” said Lemongrab. This was the first time anyone had ever complimented him on anything in his life, “you must be lying. Nothing I do is good.”

“Sure there was room for improvement,” Treetrunks admitted, “but if you practice-”

“Yeah we can practice together!” said NEPTR.

“Oh I think so too NEPTR... we should all continue with this... new musical group of ours.” Treetrunks responded.

Lemongrab thought about this.

“Hmm...aaa musical...Group...? Hmm...~” His elder predessecor had been a punk band frontman and that had been nice, and one of the few outlets for his permanent anger that ended in destruction only once, as opposed to every single time, “yeeeesss.... this could be an... enjoyable past time. I agree! What about you Ice King?”

“What? Me join the band?”

“Yes. I am certain that... princesses will be rather impressed if you say youuu are in a band.” Lemongrab didn’t actually personally know any princesses other than his mother but the vampire she was seeing definitely played guitar so he assumed that was something girls, as a species, were into.

“Oh jeez you really think so?”

“Of course... so long as you don't try to... creep on my mother again…” 

“I'm in! Bubblegum is too sticky anyway!”

The Ice King held up his blue hand for a high five but Lemongrab didn’t know what that was so he just stared in surprise at him until Ice King awkwardly changed the subject.

“What about you Shelby? Would you like to be in the band? We can rob the doll house kingdom and steal some tiny instruments for you... and then rob tiny attachable hand kingdom for some tiny attachable hands so you can play the instruments.”

“No. I don't want to be... anywhere near your band. Sorry dude.”

“Nnngh very well.” To tell the truth, Lemongrab was rather glad about that. He didn’t like this Shelby very much. “We must decide on aaaa name for our troupe.”

“Yes well... I'm not very good at naming things,” Treetrunks admitted, “you gentlemen decide amongst yourselves.” 

The Ice King made a suggestion “I think we should name ourselves something cool like... something that'll really impress a princess. Like uh…”

“Like Finn and Jake!” yelled NEPTR.

“Yeah like Finn and Jake…” He agreed, “They're super cool and they have names so I guess they have cool names huh. It must be that boring names are actually super cool or something. So uhh... what's a boring sounding name -Charlie! That's the most boring name there is! We'll be called Charlie!”

“That is an... interesting suggestion but I disagree.” said Treetrunks, “What do you think, Lemongrab?”

“Yeah you're the band leader - you choose!” said NEPTR and the Ice King nodded.

“Gracious Lemons- me! Weeeellll..... hmmmmmmmm.... I've had an idea... before my re-creation I, or rather my predessecor... was in a band named Unacceptable, which is a very serious word in Lemon culture meaning... un good.... now I do not think of my current life, nor our little troupe, as being unacceptable, so I was thinking perhaps we should adopt the antonym and be named Acceptable!” 

“Ooo that's nice!” The Ice King said, “Rework it a bit and you get The Acceptables, which sounds more like an actual band name.”

“So it is decided! We shall be.... The Acceptables…” Lemongrab announced while Treetrunks and Ice King clapped.

“Okay can we go home now!” asked Shelby.

Treetrunks put Shelby on her head and trotted after Lemongrab as he lead the way into the exit chamber.

There was an empty space where the life giving Magi had once stood, and the strange blue crystals on the wall had stopped glowing, making the room almost pitch black. Meaning Lemongrab had to scream and try to locate the ladder that led to the outside via echolocation. 

With NEPTR in one arm Lemongrab started climbing up and explained to his companions:

“I have made arrangements to send you all home safely and there are acceptable little lemon carriages awaiting us on theeee surface. Treetrunks will go pick up her large son from school, and then I shall start taking theeee necessary measurements for the.... Detachable wall…” 

“I thought you said you were gonna fix my arm up.” NEPTR said sulkily. He was going to be sensitive to being pushed aside for a long long time now.

“We can do that too.” Lemongrab said, “You can come with us.”

“And what about band practice?” asked the Ice King from behind them. 

Their voices faded away as they crawled further up the ladder until the reached the end and activated the trap door. Then a brief burst of sunlight pierced the dungeon, as poignant as a first friendship, as they exited. And then the dungeon grew still and sank back into comfortable darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Let me know if you enjoyed reading this!


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